A Short List of Life-Saving Kitchen Tips

Following on from my Slackers Guide to Success, a small village on the edge of Delusion, I passed through once on my journey to Professional Oblivion, I thought I would slide a couple of catering tips out for those who seek to save the time spent by the misdirected, moving pots and pans around the kitchen: time they could use more profitably looking out of the window, wondering what went wrong with their life, and checking out obscure channels on the Television. My current favourite is a programme developing the new craze for “Bath-time Yoga.” The warning to “Avoid Unnecessary Splashing” always draws a smirk from my tired lips as I raise a life-saving cup of tea towards them.

First tip, and obvious when you think of it, always have a drawer full of take- away menus. Even at dinner parties, where my Thai green chicken curry is famous, a slick piece of pre-guest arrival telephonmanship, followed by a discrete conversation with our microwave, offers guests the chance to enjoy the very best in cuisine while allowing me to save enough energy to thrill them with my conversational gymnastics and cork-removal expertise.

Second tip. Never sneer at a meal served “en croute. ” Remember, only a tin opener stands between you and catering paradise. Recently, in a brief flirtation with “High-Living” we purchased three tins of crab meat. Open tin, add a little lemon and a few particles of coriander to add that “je ne se quoi ” to the flavour,  (Otherwise known as “What the hell is that?”)  and welcome yourself to a session of crunch by crunch ecstasy: no washing up involved.

Accept any invitation offered from a distance of no more than three hundred yards, to allow a good chance of returning home safely after another prolonged period of corkmanship but at someone else’s expense ( yippee ), or at least labour. Look up “Jokes” on google  I have noticed that making people laugh helps them overlook the odd wrinkle in your un-ironed shirt, but I must not foist all my wisdoms on you at once.

Where would I be without my “Slackers Guide to Housekeeping” but a lack of motivation means I must save those pearls for next ti


About Peter Wells aka Countingducks

Trying to remember what my future is
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19 Responses to A Short List of Life-Saving Kitchen Tips

  1. Caroline says:

    As one who lives her life by similar rules I freely acknowledge the wisdom of your words


  2. The shops and deli departments of many stores today have very nice and inexpensive options too!


  3. For a slacker, you are way above my wisdom…I am now going to google what ‘en croute’ means! (ha, ha…although getting most of the meaning from this blog.)


  4. Scarlet says:

    I always have an extra packet of fish fingers in the freezer just in case I have to rustle up a little ‘something’ at a moments notice… it’s surprising how far a stuffed fish finger can go.


  5. genusrosa says:

    Thank you for putting ‘je ne se quoi’ in print for me. I am always wondering how to achieve that special spelling. I have never seen it used in tandem with canned crab, though–that was a first. And as for ‘conversational gymnastics and cork-removal expertise’…? Sounds like a perfect party host right there!


  6. Haha! Wonderful! Do you remember when Vesta Curries first came out? I think it was in the 70s. Guilty as charged! My boss came for dinner when I was still wet behind the ears. Anyway he liked it!! 😄


  7. CCKoepp says:

    Beautiful! May I also recommend the time-honored crackers and cheese. You can even get the cheese pre-sliced these days. Hard to beat.


  8. Je ne se quoi–What the hell is that. Priceless, Peter. No wonder I read every post you put out here.


  9. backonmyown says:

    I lack approximately the same amount of motivation as you. Thanks for your wise (?) tips.


  10. Glynis Jolly says:

    My favorite aunt when I was growing up, Aunt Kathy, used your second tip faithfully. My uncle was a officer in the army so there was some times when entertaining was necessary. One of her entertainment meals was Chinese Chow Mein. The only thing that didn’t come from a can was the rice, and that came from a box.


    • I can see she was an outstanding lady. I heard a great labour and resource saving story at a poetry reading once. A man went to see his aunt at a posh London hotel, and when he walked in she said, “Would you like a cup of tea?” He said yes, and opening the wardrobe door she replied “Good, the maid brought me one this morning but I didn’t want it. BY this time it was about 3pm in the afternoon. Admirable thrift, and labour saving skills exhibited I think 🙂


  11. I have always thought of myself as “The Cake Mix Kid” since I tend to do easy to make things. I can cook, but the hardest part is that standing very long hurts my legs, so cooking has a painful connotation for me. Thank goodness I have a wonderful husband who cooks for me.


  12. One of my favorite sayings is: “I’m making my favorite thing for dinner–reservations!” 🙂


  13. gotham girl says:

    I’m with Lorna, above! Don’t know how to cook and do not want to learn! 🙂 I wouldn’t know what to do with a pot or a pan! 🙂


  14. r e douville says:

    For this very unskilled skillet wielder, you offer such sage advice. Think I’ll go with slicing up some cheese and a box of crackers. I can’t screw up cheese, right?


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