Following on from my Slackers Guide to Success, a small village on the edge of Delusion, I passed through once on my journey to Professional Oblivion, I thought I would slide a couple of catering tips out for those who seek to save the time spent by the misdirected, moving pots and pans around the kitchen: time they could use more profitably looking out of the window, wondering what went wrong with their life, and checking out obscure channels on the Television. My current favourite is a programme developing the new craze for “Bath-time Yoga.” The warning to “Avoid Unnecessary Splashing” always draws a smirk from my tired lips as I raise a life-saving cup of tea towards them.
First tip, and obvious when you think of it, always have a drawer full of take- away menus. Even at dinner parties, where my Thai green chicken curry is famous, a slick piece of pre-guest arrival telephonmanship, followed by a discrete conversation with our microwave, offers guests the chance to enjoy the very best in cuisine while allowing me to save enough energy to thrill them with my conversational gymnastics and cork-removal expertise.
Second tip. Never sneer at a meal served “en croute. ” Remember, only a tin opener stands between you and catering paradise. Recently, in a brief flirtation with “High-Living” we purchased three tins of crab meat. Open tin, add a little lemon and a few particles of coriander to add that “je ne se quoi ” to the flavour, (Otherwise known as “What the hell is that?”) and welcome yourself to a session of crunch by crunch ecstasy: no washing up involved.
Accept any invitation offered from a distance of no more than three hundred yards, to allow a good chance of returning home safely after another prolonged period of corkmanship but at someone else’s expense ( yippee ), or at least labour. Look up “Jokes” on google I have noticed that making people laugh helps them overlook the odd wrinkle in your un-ironed shirt, but I must not foist all my wisdoms on you at once.
Where would I be without my “Slackers Guide to Housekeeping” but a lack of motivation means I must save those pearls for next ti