The Slackers Guide To Success


Owing to a natural lethargy this will be a short article, written in those small gaps between a mid-morning nap,  luncheon and the afternoon snooze. Still, in the brief time available, let me slip a couple of life-tips into the ether. The question is, how does an undirected unambitious man of moderate ability, that is most of us, make anything of himself in this complex and driven world?

I’ve no idea, of course, but lack of knowledge never stopped anyone giving advice so lets plunge in with  two ‘low-effort goodies’ which helped get me to the top of the Health and Safety Department at my county council. A pinnacle of achievement unhorsed, to mix my metaphors, when a rogue hair dryer  electrocuted a visiting dignitary and my head rolled in the customary manner, leaving me free to offer my advice and observations to the world. Needless to say the wife was delighted with the extra company.

Breezing past my own personal tragedy, my first tip is this. As a junior in a departmental meeting, when the head honcho finishes speaking, and regardless of the content, you look round at everyone in the meeting and say “I think that point is crucial.” Chuck in a bit of head nodding and direct eye contact to  add cutting edge gravitas.

Second tip: never walk  anywhere slowly. You are a driven man on the cusp of success. Walk at speed, and make sure you have a file under your arm, even if you are going to the toilet for a quick sip of  vodka. Only go for smoke breaks  when you notice some pretty heavy dude is also outside, and then praise him or her with out mercy or accuracy.

Finally, because a smart man always gives three tips for the price of two, do something for charity, and if you can’t be bothered, pretend to anyway. Act a bit tired a couple of days a week, revealing during the day that you were “Up pretty late, doing something you’d rather not expand on for the less fortunate then us.” On no account refer to the TV programme you were actually watching. Remember, the hard truth: even Slackers have to concentrate, on occasion.

That’s about all I’ve got time for now, as pillows need plumping and heads must settle down to a soft period of day-dreaming involving some beauty in a United Nations uniform asking me for the secrets of world peace.

 

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About Peter Wells aka Countingducks

Trying to remember what my future is
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17 Responses to The Slackers Guide To Success

  1. catterel says:

    Oh so true! You have revealed the secret of why the Western world is in such a mess – look out, they’ll be after you! 😀

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  2. Caroline says:

    This should be compulsory reading for any up-and-coming, go-getting executive wishing to move up the company ladder……

    Now I know where I failed!!! xxx

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  3. Jane says:

    Here, this would qualify you to run for high office….

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  4. Fantastic, Peter – written with great wit and a cunning insight. I also believe that one of the best ways to gain promotion, in these days of ‘unfair dismissal’ compensation claims, is actually to be not too good at the job, thus getting promoted out of it to avoid doing any further damage.
    An enjoyable lunch time read (whilst I should be working!).

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  5. gotham girl says:

    Oh how I love this! So took me back to the days of corporate reality!

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  6. Very good advice…particularly that last point. I think that last point was crucial! 🙂

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  7. Scarlet says:

    Sound advice! Thank you, Mr Wells – I chucked in a bit of head nodding as I read. Meanwhile, must dash, as Bergerac is on in half an hour…..
    Sx

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  8. Great advice! I feel vindicated!

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  9. Actually, those are pretty good tips, especially when perception outweighs reality. Nicely said. I’ve recorded them for future reference.

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  10. Fun! Reminiscent of “How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying” 🙂

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  11. For years I worked with a guy in the accounts payable department. he had been with the company 30 years, it was a union job so he was not going anywhere but he had perfected “being busy”. He carried a clipboard and pen everywhere he went, never had all his work done so of course any extra work was put on my desk. He took 1/2 hour at the start of his work day and 1/2 an hour at the end just putting his pens and stapler out or away. He was absolutely amazing to watch. They closed the company and I don’t know where he ended up, I heard cleaning offices somewhere but he had a hell of a time finding a job. Not much call for professional paper pusher/pen organizer.
    Loved the post1!

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  12. CCKoepp says:

    Is /that/ what I’ve been doing wrong? Thanks for the advice! 😉

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  13. r e douville says:

    *stays away from a hair dryer* Such cogent advice. 😉

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  14. Barbara Ann says:

    Thanks for giving me a smile and a chuckle this morning while reading your post! I can really use # 1 when my family is gathered around trying to make plans to do…well…anything.

    Like

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