Owing to a natural lethargy this will be a short article, written in those small gaps I leave myself between rising from my bed, a mid-morning nap, luncheon and the afternoon snooze. Still, in the brief time available, let me slip a couple of life-tips out into the blogosphere! The question is, how does an undirected, unambitious individual of moderate ability, that is most of us, make anything of themselves in this complex and driven world?
I’ve no idea, of course, but lack of knowledge never stopped anyone giving advice so lets plunge in with two ‘low-effort goodies’ which helped get me within sight of the mountain top at my county council health and safety department ; a pinnacle of achievement unhorsed, to mix my metaphors, when a rogue hair dryer electrocuted a visiting dignitary and my head rolled in the customary manner, leaving me free to offer my advice and observations to the world: needless to say my wife was delighted with the extra company.
Breezing past my own personal tragedy, my first tip is this. As a junior in a departmental meeting, when the head honcho finishes speaking, and regardless of the content, you look round at everyone in the meeting and say “I think that point is crucial.” Chuck in a bit of head nodding and direct eye contact to add cutting-edge gravitas.
Second tip: whilst at work never walk anywhere slowly: you are a driven individual full of purpose and on the cusp of success; walk at speed, and make sure you have a file under your arm, even if you are just going to the toilet for a quick sip of vodka. Only go for smoke breaks when you notice some pretty heavy dude is also outside, and then praise him or her without mercy or accuracy.
Finally, because a smart man always gives three tips for the price of two, do something for charity, but only in a discreetly noticeable way, and if you can’t be bothered, pretend to anyway. Act a bit tired a couple of days a week, revealing during the day that you were up pretty late, doing something you’d rather not expand on for the “Less fortunate than us.” On no account refer to the TV programme you were actually watching: remember the hard truth; even Slackers have to concentrate on occasion.
That’s about all I’ve got time for now, as pillows need plumping and heads must settle down to a period of soft day-dreaming involving some beauty in a United Nations uniform asking me for the secrets of world peace.