“I could do with a larger social life. I could do with any social life,” I used to say to myself until I came up with a solution which ultimately left me with little peace: let me explain.
Every morning I would start the day by making myself tea, pour water in the kettle and assemble cup and tea bag before retrieving the milk from the fridge in readiness for the moment when the kettle started singing and arms whirred into action to create the perfect morning cuppa before reading the news while sitting in my favourite (only) chair.
Suddenly, well not suddenly, an idea seeped into that winelogged area called my brain and I decided to give everything a name and thereby personality. With this in mind, we will return to our tea making exercise and see what a difference a day makes when you are in company.
I walk into the kitchen and shout out “Morning Geoff,” (the kettle) “I’ll just put a splosh of water in you and then you can sing me your favourite tune when its ready!” Geoff doesn’t say anything but we all know he can really let rip when the mood takes him, or if he gets a bit hot around the elements.
That settled, I go to the cupboard (Sid) and take out Karl, my favourite mug which (who) has a picture of a duck on it (him) because everyone in my house loves ducks naturally. “Don’t worry mate,” I say, “I’ll put the milk in first so you don’t get scalded” and Karl makes a sort of clacking noise when he lands on the kitchen table to say thank you: he likes a bit of noise does Karl. Anyway, once Marion Milk has done her bit and returned to the fridge, ( she’s an attractive girl but rather frigid once she gets in my house sad to say ) I take Karl, now filled with precious liquid, and go and settle in Frieda, my favourite chair to talk about life and the coming day.
Credit where credit’s due, all my chums are tolerant and allow me to say anything you like without interrupting me if you ignore Geoff’s piercing singing voice and Karl’s insistent clacking, but then lads can be restless can’t they?
Now for the big stuff! Araminta Shirt, one of my favourites, has volunteered to clothe me today because she knows it’s a teaching day and smartness is required by the college were I offer fragments of wisdom about subjects I hardly understand ! Other items of clothing, all with different names and outlooks, join her in the task of clothing me: varied in many ways but with a shared loyalty to meeee.
I think I overheard them saying once that clothing me was a chore, and not a privilege, and how they loved to be left in the closet where they could gossip with friends and relax in soothing darkness but I’m sure they still enjoy the odd adventure out on the trail: I like to think so anyway! I could be offended but, let’s be honest, we all love a snooze don’t we!
At last I venture into town, now in good company and immune to the pain of being unknown or ignored by the public at large. Just to let you know, I’ve become pretty close to the post box at the end of the street who asks me constantly if I’ve had a letter yet which is not a bill. “One day Frank, one day” I say because optimism in the face of facts is my “modus operandi;” a term they use in the college where I work.
It seems almost impossible to get a moment to yourself these days!!
Your as barmy as I am Peter. You should here me when I make a mid morning sandwich! Open the fridge to get bread – one of those, Butter – some of that, etc,etc,etc. 😉
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…or you could say mine’s a pint! 😉
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This is bloomin’ bonkers – and I like it! It’s one out of the bag, off the square, brilliant, etc etc. Now where was I? It’s early morning here, and I can’t find the jolly teapot in the fridge anywhere.
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Of course, that is the kind of thing I do, so you are not alone there, and how did the marmalade get in the hoover cupboard ? Whatever next!!
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My dear wife names everything. I must have her read this piece, Peter. I do however feel compelled to make mention of Arthur Senokot residing at the back of a cupboard…rarely sought out, but there ‘just in case’!
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Dear old Arthur. Hidden but never forgotten eh 🙂
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Thank you Peter for this great entertainment in the morning. It is both fun and in a way peaceful the way you go about making a cup of tea. I did notice that the newspaper wasn’t honoured with a name. Just think what you could say to it.:) or are you worried it might answer back…..they are far too talkative.
Have fun
Miriam
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The newspaper agreed to chat with me on the basis it was allowed to remain anonymous !
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Fair enough.😊
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I must try it! Love your creativity. 🙂
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Your never alone when the kettle can sing to you 🙂
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we each find our way to connect to the world. he has found a way that is safe and comforting to him. and they are pretty low maintenance as acquaintances go. )
p.s. i always name my cars. i will driving to school in sylvia today, who sometimes tends to get me lost, but always where i need to be in the end. she is such a character….)
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You may remember, or wisely not remember, that I wrote a story about how Sylvia Satnav ruined the new career of Bunter Macintosh, who was trying to become a taxi driver. Perhaps they are related !?
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ah, clearly they must be cousins…
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Oh, this had me rolling, Peter!! What a gift for an otherwise dudly Monday…
And perhaps made even funnier by the fact that I relate to it so well. I haven’t named my company for the most part (I’m terrible at remembering names), but I do talk to everything, both at home and at work. And it does help. Lol!
Thank you for the laughs today. I needed them!
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Well this is just delightful! I’m going to spend the day naming my things…
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One day we can get a number of our mugs and plates together and allow them to have a party. I bet you could hardly hear yourself think, what with all the clacking and clinking, noisy beggars !!
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Haha! I look forward to this very much!
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This was sweet. I often name things and then forget their names. They become indignant and put out. Makes for a difficult time.
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I do sympathise. Its not easy to deal with a plate who won’t accept a sincere apology. some of this fine china can be really touchy in my experience !
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You’re brilliant! I adored this post and really laughed at the end. One day there’ll be a day without bills!
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I long for that day, and so does my kettle apparently !!
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Oh, Peter, tax season or no, I really must find time to visit you on Monday mornings!
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The mugs will be delighted to see you I know. They worry about their financials I know!
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Walter, my humor gene, would like you to know how much he appreciated this. Sidney, my serious gene, has been holding far too much sway these days.
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If my genes start talking to me, and every other atom and molecule in the room we could be in a lot of trouble. Best not go there !
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Right you are, sir. Discretion is, after all, the better part of valor!
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Good strategy! The last line made me laugh 🙂
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Don’t laugh, but I always used to greet my two coin sorters every morning (George and Fred), knowing if I didn’t they’d play me up and I’d have no end of trouble. Counting as much shot coin brought back from sites as I did, it was best for people to think I was a little ‘mad’!!
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Ha ha! Sounds like my kind of social life! None of that messy drama… well, unless the dish runs away with the spoon…
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That would make either a wonderful romance or detective story 🙂
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So true!!
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I wonder what will happen to Geoff once he’s boiled his last? A quiet garden burial, or a grand funeral – and will there be guests? A story to bring a smile to even the most sullen.
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Clever and amusing… sing us a song, you’re the kettle man… whistle a song tonight. (With apologies to Billy Joel.)
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Or you could get a dog. But really–I actually like that approach. Anthropomorphize everything! Soon, we’ll all have little helper robots we can name.
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That’s an exciting idea. 🙂
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I used to to that with numbers when I was teaching. A fellow teacher heard one of my math stories and told me he was strangely aroused.
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I could send you a letter…. or should I send a letter to Geoff?!
Sx
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Kind of you to offer, of course. To be honest, Geoff is a better reader than me, and apparently quite a hot property on the dance floor according to Karl 🙂
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This is so original (if that is grammatically sanctioned)!
A humorous and unveiling soliloquy!
Huzzah yet again
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Oh my goodness, I just love this, Peter! Especially the part about long talks with understanding friends in the closet. That sorta reminded me of being a teenager and literally doing that, phone cord strung through the hall…
My kettle is called Evelyn .I name a lot of things, but not yet the friends in my closet!
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Evelyn sounds like a lovely person 🙂
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🙂
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Haha, I love this. We are truly never alone!
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Company is often good, unless its too noisy of course !!
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You make me smile 🙂
Fabulous stuff. xxx
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I laughed… after a long while of not having even smiled. Thank you Peter for this wonderful piece.
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