Etiquette And The Awkward Moment

I was best man at my oldest friends wedding recently. I calmed him as we stood in church waiting for his beautiful bride to make her appearance. The waiting lasted forever, you know how it is, but at last she appeared, stunning to a fault, and the church organ burst into life with the enthusiasm customarily displayed on such occasions.

It must be added, at this point , that she and I had been lovers for some months before this happy date but we had decided that silence was the kinder alternative to breaking my old chums heart, especially given the size of his trust fund and the fact that both her and my circumstances were significantly more modest in comparison. It had been the custom for years that he pay for holidays, so he could benefit from my social skills and I could share an experience I would otherwise not be able to enjoy, and it was on a trip to St Lucia that the warm bond between the three of us was deepened by an unexpected development.

Carletta, that was her name, and I had not always “clicked,” as it were, but over time, we had warmed to each other  to the point where, when he asked me to look after her for a couple of days when he sprained his ankle, both of us saw this opportunity to deepen our friendship as a gift from heaven, or possibly not from heaven, depending on your moral standpoint.

Like me, her finances did not run to exotic holidays, meals at expensive restaurants or those little items of jewellery with which he often demonstrated his love for her. ” He is the boring  yes no yes” suggested Carletta in her delightful accent, and I tended to agree with her, “But he has a lovely heart and is both loyal and generous” I suggested and she nodded in agreement while rubbing her engagement ring with the middle finger of her right hand. A touching gesture, I thought, made a little incongruous possibly,  by the fact we were both lying semi-naked, having just concluded what I considered to be an enjoyable episode of horizontal gymnastics.

Such was her fervour for me at that moment, that she suggested dumping my dearest friend and gambolling her whole future on my unimpressive career.  She soon saw the sense when I advised caution and so she suggested that a couple of years wedded bliss, with me near her to take the edge of the tedium, followed by a divorce citing “mental cruelty” where I could be a reluctant witness in her favour, might secure our finances, rather than just giving into our romantic instincts and walking off into the sunset and almost certain penury.

I do have a conscience, of course. Who doesn’t ? But while I allow it to comment on my actions I do not offer it a management role and pretty much do as I like.  Nevertheless, I was determined to make the adjustment as painless for him as possible. Carletta and I agreed that, after the wedding night, bedroom Pilates should be kept to a minimum making him more susceptible to the deep-thinking and tender hearted beauties I was determined to place in his company during our customary ” Lad’s night out.”

As the ceremony progressed, things took an unexpected turn when the vicar raised his head to address the congregation and asked, ” Can any man show just cause why these two people may not be lawfully joined together .” There was the customary silence before the groom piped up, “The bride is having sex with my best man.” Silence returned for another half-second or two before pandemonium broke out among the congregation and my best friend planted a decent right hook on the side of my head.

There was no reception.

About Peter Wells aka Countingducks

Trying to remember what my future is
This entry was posted in character, creative writing, Fiction, humour, Love, Peter Wells, Relationships, Romance, writing and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

33 Responses to Etiquette And The Awkward Moment

  1. catterel says:

    Laughing out loud!


  2. The best laid plans.. you do let your characters get their comeuppance, don’t you?


  3. Yes, I might think not. I suppose if you are rich enough, a ceremony like that is just a small expense in return for your friend’s and bride not to be’s embarrassment.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Wonderful….I laughed out loud:)


  5. The best laid plans…


  6. I loved the twist in this story, Peter – and the ending certainly packs a punch!


  7. Heaven! I love the moral comeuppance so evident in your tales.


  8. Ina says:

    What are friends for 🙂 The last line is brilliant!


  9. Scarlet says:

    Best laid plans, and brides, come to that… never turn out as you imagine.


  10. This why I don’t fret about being terribly rich (or rich at all in the monetary way at least)–I know the people around me love me for who I am, not what I can offer them by way of trinkets and vacations in expensive hotels. And I don’t see any such altercations at my eventual altar! 😉 Well done tale, Peter!


  11. A very well deserved, right hook at that! 🙂 Cheeky so-and-so! It has always remained a mystery to me how anyone can truly come to love someone who is cheating from day one on someone else. Hello… fidelity? Leopards don’t change their spots, really. Great story, loved the surprise ending!


  12. Leni Qinan says:

    I’m splitting my sides laughing! I loved reading this story! Beautifully written!


  13. I thought I knew where it was going until that ominous question…


  14. I sure didn’t see that one coming. And I dare say, neither did the best man!


  15. Al says:

    This gives a whole new meaning to the word altercation.


  16. ksbeth says:

    oops! i loved the twist )


  17. Ha, Ha. Love the ending.


  18. nelle says:

    Now that’s a wedding I’d not wish to miss!


  19. gotham girl says:

    I totally laughed out loud…this is a favorite!! Horizontal gymnastics…love that!!


  20. No reception indeed! Thanks for the laugh. “I do not offer it a management role …” Brilliant 🙂


    this was FABULOUS, Peter.
    To bad there was no reception, as that’s the best part. xx


  22. OMG lol. You should have seen my face at the end of this post. Okay seriously Peter, you need to post more bridal stories because this one could be a freaking movie. I loved it.


  23. restlessjo says:

    Bravo! I didn’t see that coming (nor you- ouch!) 🙂 Beautifully told, Peter. Love the smugness.


  24. Globalresidence says:

    Intriguing start with an unexpected twist at the end! 😃 Great piece! Thanks for sharing & wishing you a great weekend!


  25. Fabulous! One of my favourites of your more lighthearted pieces. Just brilliant.


  26. mazika4way says:

    . Love the ending


  27. You always have the best punch-lines, Peter 🙂 Thanks, as always, for the laughter x


  28. olganm says:

    Fabulous. Love the deadpan style…:)


  29. tiostib says:

    Reblogged this on Travels with Tio and commented:
    I do so enjoy witty and understated British humor, and this piece is decidedly well written


  30. writing, writing, words words words. says:

    Lovely! Thanks for the excellent read. As many folks have said, never saw the ending coming – beautiful twist! 🙂


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