At work I was one of the team, I got involved and leant my enthusiasm to any project regardless of its merit. You could always count me in, but I didn’t drink. Not at work at least, because a sense of discipline is essential at work is it not, or at least a reputation for it? I had no strategy as such, but just borrowed mine from the crowd. A house would be nice, and a girlfriend of course, and then a wife, but I can say that without passion to you at least, because, in truth I didn’t care. I couldn’t say that out loud, because not caring is the worst sin of all in a complex society busy cooking a stew of dreams from a thousand fractured cultures. They must have picked up the “not caring” bit because I got made redundant, which is a metaphor of sorts don’t we think ?
We are all in it for the journey aren’t we. I mean we don’t have any choice. You sort of wake up and on the train of life, and then some guy comes up to you and out of nowhere says, “Ticket please” which on this journey means ” What’s Your Purpose” and you are meant to have an answer. Something crisp and concise, but really I don’t have an answer. At home I play my music, and drink vodka from the bottle and shout out things like “Screw you” at the wall, which maintains its indifference to my tortured angsts. At home I’m free to be lost because no one is watching.
Don’t you love that word “Angst.” it gives the mundane a sense of drama don’t you think, so that was my third identity, out at evening college learning to paint, and mouthing phrases like “Social torture” because to be outside the norm here put you in the middle of the circle. A bit like work, but in a different context if you get me. That’s where I met Angela, who was shy enough to make me feel protective, if you can feel protective but still want something from someone. I mean I wanted to kiss her, because that’s natural isn’t it, and she was pretty enough, but not so much as to make her scary. Nice eyes of course, because you have to say that don’t you. I’ve never heard anyone say a girl was really pretty but her eyes were like flat tyres, unless she was planning to jump of a cliff, in which case it wouldn’t matter.
Mind you Angela really did have nice eyes so I can saying that without lying, which is a first for me. I mean I tell the truth about facts, but most of them are boring aren’t they, but the heart of it, the breathing purpose: I have no sense of that.
Someday perhaps, some mystic giant will walk out of the corner shop late at night, as I am passing by for no real reason, and say “Phillip Walker. You are born to rescue blind cats” or something like, but till then I’ll keep my purposes short and near at hand. Kissing Angela’s a start don’t you think.
Perhaps I’ll ask her for a drink after class on Wednesday. She doesn’t look as if she knows what is going on either.