Offering Advice

In fairness to myself, I recognise my advice is not always welcome, and though I strive to improve myself, and offer a range of “Life-tips” to those around me, I am aware that even these tips may be flawed, or so precise in their nature as to be relevant only in most particular of circumstances.

Let me explain. I might suggest to some man of the world, currently experiencing the severe after-effects of a night’s celebrations, that trying to open a tin of beans with a fork  risks a failure to achieve the desired objective. While this advice is valid,  the observation is only relevant in the rarest of circumstances.

“How come you write a Blog then?” I hear someone ask, or  was that just the sound of a broom falling over in a cupboard at the back of the room. Sometimes, when I’m sipping a   character building liquid down at “The Cheerful Parrot,” where I and  a group of local sages, walking almanacs, and exercise gurus gather to share  wisdoms and the cost of a pint, we might offer our responses to the newspaper headlines of the day in the belief that we are less incompetent than those rash gentlemen who seek to run our countries or show a bit of sporting prowess.  As we crow about our own achievements, we are luckily unaware that every fact and boast we make can now be double checked by reference to school reports, facebook gaffs or the contradictions of childhood friends.

Never the less, I am always in awe of those of who are self-deluded enough to rise in triumph above the masses and produce some new plan or wheeze which will give their country greater prominence in the eyes of the world. A recent example of this was offered at a press conference by the President of Austria, who announced at some important international meeting that his country was to build six new aircraft carriers “To defend the maritime interests of the Austrian republic.”

“What maritime interests are those?” some brave reporter enquired, and was told in a firm and direct manner, that, apart from the movement of vital shipping supplies, Austrians could be found bathing on beaches all over the world and it was a matter of grave importance, despite the recent recession, that their interests and prestige were safeguarded.

“And where will these Aircraft carriers be anchored?” continued the bold investigator, whose life-expectancy was decreasing by the glance. “Iceland” said our astute President, ably demonstrating that every detail of the scheme had been thoroughly researched. “Is Iceland a beach-rich country?” asked our valiant friend but his chirruping interruptions  were curtailed by two gentlemen packed into well-filled suits.

To be fair, this incident has not yet taken place, but it might do if my recent letter to that head of state, signed “Well-wisher from just south of London in England near Europe but just below Scotland on the map” prompts him to order some aircraft carriers and thus make a bit of a splash on the world stage. I have not received a reply as yet, but the presence of a black car outside my house, with a man using a camera vigorously from the back seat as I take my morning walk suggest that certain important people are thinking of visiting me to discuss tin-opening technique and their relationship to the development of the modern navy. Now that would be something to tell my chums down the pub eh.    eh.