The Slackers Guide To Success

Owing to a natural lethargy this will be a short article, written in those small gaps between a mid-morning nap,  luncheon and the afternoon snooze. Still, in the brief time available, let me slip a couple of life-tips into the ether. The question is, how does an undirected unambitious man of moderate ability, that is most of us, make anything of himself in this complex and driven world?

I’ve no idea, of course, but lack of knowledge never stopped anyone giving advice so lets plunge in with  two ‘low-effort goodies’ which helped get me to the top of the Health and Safety Department at my county council. A pinnacle of achievement unhorsed, to mix my metaphors, when a rogue hair dryer  electrocuted a visiting dignitary and my head rolled in the customary manner, leaving me free to offer my advice and observations to the world. Needless to say the wife was delighted with the extra company.

Breezing past my own personal tragedy, my first tip is this. As a junior in a departmental meeting, when the head honcho finishes speaking, and regardless of the content, you look round at everyone in the meeting and say “I think that point is crucial.” Chuck in a bit of head nodding and direct eye contact to  add cutting edge gravitas.

Second tip: never walk  anywhere slowly. You are a driven man on the cusp of success. Walk at speed, and make sure you have a file under your arm, even if you are going to the toilet for a quick sip of  vodka. Only go for smoke breaks  when you notice some pretty heavy dude is also outside, and then praise him or her with out mercy or accuracy.

Finally, because a smart man always gives three tips for the price of two, do something for charity, and if you can’t be bothered, pretend to anyway. Act a bit tired a couple of days a week, revealing during the day that you were “Up pretty late, doing something you’d rather not expand on for the less fortunate then us.” On no account refer to the TV programme you were actually watching. Remember, the hard truth: even Slackers have to concentrate, on occasion.

That’s about all I’ve got time for now, as pillows need plumping and heads must settle down to a soft period of day-dreaming involving some beauty in a United Nations uniform asking me for the secrets of world peace.