A Dating Club for ‘Losers’

Rick Slider, whose boast to his mother was that he was always behaved honourably if there was no alternative, and that the only thing which made an act ‘appalling in the face of nature’ was it’s discovery by others, was travelling on the London underground when he ended up sitting next to some fat badly dressed guy of indeterminate middle age who appeared to be reading the dating column of a national newspaper.

Being the man he was, Rick peered over his shoulder at the article where this poor gentleman was seeking some relief from a life  marked by “Bedsitter Blues” and a meals of baked beans eaten while watching TV shows about the ‘Festival of the Silent Choir’ and other obscure documentaries,

“Stunningly sexy women who loves exotic holidays, over-achievement and men who leave an irresponsible carbon footprint seeks “ripped” younger man for a life of hedonism and carefree excess. An appetite for unnecessary shopping would be an advantage”  Slider looked up from the paper to the face of the man seated beside him; puffy, bean-fatted and lost, and wondered why he would waste his time reading such advertisements.

Suddenly the idea of a “Losers Dating Club” came to mind. Candidates must be in excess of forty-five and preferably with at least one marriage behind them not ended by anything noble like widowhood. Loss of hair and a chronic weight problem would be preferable and a reasonable degree of anxiety and job insecurity would be considered as a distinct advantage.

The idea was callous, shallow and disturbingly prejudiced and thus had all the hallmarks of an enterprise bound for success in the new “Stuff you I’m having fun” urban world.  Those unfocussed drifting folk, without clear agenda or ambition, who failed to get the attention of the gym-hardened holiday-equipped modern ‘carbon-burner’ sent in their profiles. Soon, our warm-hearted entrepreneur was toasting another commercial success on a Caribbean island with some soft lovely who was trying to take him for all he was worth, while he indulged in obtaining a thorough biological inventory of her assets and inclinations without regard to her future welfare. The gods wished them well, and there were signs that the two of them could have found happiness together, if either of them had known what that was.

Leaving them to their sun-burn and shallowness we will visit Limpet on Sea where Nathanial Sogg was swaping stories of his unfocused life with Sandra Full. Not forced to pretend they were  more competent  than they really were, or indicate a fulfilment they never experienced,  both parties relaxed and experienced one of those rare periods of enjoyment with a member of the opposite sex, unrelated to catering or the process of reproduction.

Date followed date and soon she was burning his dinner while he played his guitar without regard to talent or musicality. He crunched his way through her onion soup, ( left too long on the cooker while she was looking for a photo she wanted to share ) and out of nowhere proposals were offered and accepted.

Yes, they really did live happily ever after in a pleasingly undistinguished dwelling far removed from the world of fashion or contemporary architecture. It just goes to show that even the most callous of people can bring happiness to others by accident, if not design.



About Peter Wells aka Countingducks

Trying to remember what my future is
This entry was posted in character, creative writing, Fiction, humour, Life, Peter Wells, Relationships, Romance, Uncategorized, writing and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

22 Responses to A Dating Club for ‘Losers’

  1. catterel says:

    I bet somebody takes you up on this and makes a fortune 🙂 I just hope they pay you royalties.


  2. As ever an excellent tale packed with realism and witticism, Peter. I always end up re-reading your stories as soon as I have first read them as the writing is so good that I become both engrossed and yet eager to reach the conclusion as soon as possible. Thanks for sharing this!


  3. Al says:

    Amazing! I ran across this ad last month: Looking for creepy, unkempt man with lack of refinement and prone to lethargy, to bring romance to a tasteless and svelte-challenged ingenue. We just had our third date. Now I know who to thank.


  4. Jane Thorne says:

    At the ‘Stuff you I’m having fun’ I spluttered coffee all over my keyboard… 🙂 Great story Ducky. Xx


  5. Caroline says:

    Wonderful! As the saying goes this idea ‘has legs’! xxxxx


  6. The talent to allow people to look at themselves, even if the mirror exasperates a bit, and laugh. Yes, true talent.


  7. Made me smile which is an acheivement—I usually feel depressed by the antics of people like your Rick (I read Slick to begin with). I think you have a ‘was’ too many in your first line and you’ve got a ‘swaping stories’. Sorry to point out the typos but I’m editing at the mo.


  8. Excellent read, as always, my friend!
    Rock on…


  9. backonmyown says:

    A novel idea, Ducks. I think it could fly. Thanks for the chuckles.


  10. To misquote a dear efriend–Yellow has become the heart of green through this story.


  11. Bruce Goodman says:

    Wonderfully written, and sort of true for a lot of us, I reckon.


  12. gotham girl says:

    This so cracks me up!!


  13. U.
    Mr. Peter. xx


  14. Love it … you are good at keeping you reader entertained. Besides what a great idea surely someone has already thought of it lol


  15. I love this one!

    You have such a talent for description. I especially loved “puffy, bean-fatted and lost.” I have such a clear image of this character because of your beautiful use of language.


  16. You are a wicked, wicked, man, Peter! 🙂 Dating Club for Losers, indeed!


  17. Fab as ever; brought a big smile to my face 😊


  18. Julie says:

    This headline is funny: ““Stunningly sexy women who loves exotic holidays, over-achievement and men who leave an irresponsible carbon footprint seeks “ripped” younger man.”

    and, I can imagine the scene. ha ha!

    It’s so lovely to come across a writer with their priorities straight, burnt onion soup and all.



  19. r e douville says:

    You set the pace quite quickly with ‘behaved honourably if there was no alternative’. Good one.


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