You Would Not Love Me Now


I never met you, knew you, or had your love but then I did. The image of the girl who would walk up to me in life, as if it were some railway station and laugh, smile and  warm your heart in my embrace faded slowly from my hopes..

That image of your soft brown hair and loving eyes and cosy coat keeping you all warm, and with that scarf of yours peeping from your collar, and those brown shoes you loved, because your dad had bought them never materialised and so I made do with adding tales of disaster to a life apparently lived to amuse those more caring of themselves than I.

I dreamed of our conversations, and the way you’d smile when I did something silly, and how you’d know me like no other  and make each moment with you like a prayer. I looked for you in places when young:  confident that soon our paths would cross in some gallery or long since vanished bookshop  and then less frequently because the hope you’d match your step with mine faded with time and advancing years.

You would not love me now, raddled as I am by disappointment, and choices sculpted out of desperation rather than good judgement: the victim of my own chaotic  search for perfection, rummaging through careers, and eating romance as if it where a  chocolate, wasting my innocence on the fruitless quest to find you and build some idyll:  always looking for the perfect moment.

Now, with my last sip of innocence, I dwell on my growing sense of obsolescence,  part of a world disengaging from its rhythms in the blind search for some improvement, sliding towards an unwritten future

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About Peter Wells aka Countingducks

Trying to remember what my future is
This entry was posted in character, creative writing, faith, Fiction, Life, Love, old age, Peter Wells, Relationships, Romance, writing and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

37 Responses to You Would Not Love Me Now

  1. In love with Love. Beautifully written, with a melancholic undertone that seeps beneath the skin, etching questions upon the soul. Sad how life never ceases to fail to live up to our expectations. An excellent write.

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  2. This is brilliant! So much in this. And as the above comment says “in love with love” – been there, done that… 😊

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  3. poppy23 says:

    Phenomenal!!!

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  4. poppy23 says:

    Reblogged this on Under The Night Starry Sky and commented:
    Peter is the best.

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  5. Missing our best opportunities looking for someone else’s idea of perfection –

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  6. Peter….this was wonderful!! Soulful and deep in the thoughts of what could have been. We are all there to some degree but maybe with other areas of our life..if not love. I loved the way you portrayed where he was with where he is now. Well done! 🙂

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  7. gotham girl says:

    “eating romance as if it where a chocolate” just made me melt! Love!

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  8. With such beautifully formed words and reflections, who wouldn’t reconsider? So good to stop by again dear friend. Also wanted to mention that I recommended your book on the WordPress authors’ post. I know how reluctant you are to toot your horn so I did. It’s in moderation but I hope they approve it. You can also add yourself here: http://en.blog.wordpress.com/2014/05/12/more-wordpress-books-authors/
    Hugs,
    Elizabeth (feeling better every day)

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  9. Your pieces always leave me speechless.”choices sculpted out of desperation rather than good judgment”- We’ve all been there! This was so relatable. Beautiful work!

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  10. But how can he be sure she wouldn’t care, now? What if she’s thinking the same things? If he keeps looking, he may yet see that kindred spirit shining behind the tears…. They’ve been through the searching time…now, give them the finding time. We need more late-life love stories. You have the right voice for it. Come, Peter, take the seanchaí’s place at the fireside. Tell us The Rest Of The Story.

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  11. Beautiful writing, true emotions genuinely expressed.
    Like Christine, however, I have to wonder…if he keeps looking, waiting, trying again…will he find the true love?

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  12. I used to eat romance like chocolate…now I eat love, like chocolate 🙂
    (Actually, reading this….I realize that I still pine for an idealized romantic ending. All the conditioning is hard to shake!).

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  13. rumadak says:

    What a Lovey-Dovey piece!! I guess all of us have these thoughts at one time or other and I wish each one of us get to live these thoughts ..Love is the most beautiful feeling…for giving and experiencing!!

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  14. Al says:

    Although I have known this fellow and a few like him, I must happily report he is not me. I actually did meet my dream girl 47 years ago. She has blessed my with her company ever since. But I hope this lad does not give up the search…..she waits for him around the corner…

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  15. Catnip says:

    Talk about ripping a heart out. There is nothing else to compare. I am so sad and sorry filled. Though I don’t know who the intended was, the words are heartbreaking. I shan’t write to day I’m just too blue.

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  16. Imagined love … not real, but still entering into the realm of disappointment, but also a strange kind of fulfillment. The last paragraph is especially poignant, Peter.

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  17. elainecanham says:

    What a lovely poetic post. And of course they could still meet. She could come into focus and hold his hand as he lies dying on a pavement, no, stop me somebody!

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  18. Sara Khan says:

    Reblogged this on My Spiritual Awakening From Within and commented:
    Beautifully written and love sure has many meanings.

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  19. nelle says:

    So poignant, lots of layers in there, and I adore such structure. You capture this person’s angst very very well.

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  20. Lovely memories of lost love…
    or perhaps, you married her! xx

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  21. Jen says:

    Wow. This moved me so

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  22. desertrose7 says:

    Oh this is so sad. Wonderfully written, but oh so sad.

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  23. sandradan1 says:

    This is beautiful, Peter. SD

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  24. andreazug says:

    Oh Peter, beautifully written. Seething with anticipation and joy unfulfilled. I’m smiling and yet tears push to the corners of my eyes. You sir, are the master of your craft.

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  25. Lovely writing – powerful atmosphere.

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  26. dweezer19 says:

    So beautifully bittersweet.

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  27. Bookgirl says:

    Peter, your words had me gripping my heart. Soulful, searching and heart wrenching. Thank you for sharing.

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