Dentist to the Vampire Profession

My introduction to the  market I have made my own, possibly owing to a lack of other surviving candidates, is as a dentist to the Vampire Profession. As with many things, my opening came by chance. I was taking a late night, and possibly unwise solitary stroll through London’s Hyde Park when I was accosted by a man I later came to know as Baron Root- Canal, (Off the record these double barrelled names seem to cut some mustard with gentleman of obscure dietary habits ).

Apparently, advancing years had affected his digestion so the thicker blood offered by young maidens of a reckless disposition was too strong for his digestive system. His doctor advised him to seek the thinner blood transported round some of London’s better watering holes by gentleman of the worn out variety. ‘Worn-Out’ might be my surname if I was a Vampire, because I’m somewhere past my best. Anyway, I’m rambling which is a failing among those experiencing obsolescence. He advanced on me, with his walking stick held in a menacing manner, and his eyes glowing with that rather flashy green colour sported by our night time folk, and then opened his jaw to begin the meal.

“I don’t wish to spoil the fun” I said, “But I can’t help noticing that your gums are receding and there is quite a lot of plaque on your upper right fang. He stopped in his tracks and said. “I’ve been experiencing some discomfort there, do you know about these things”, and I did. I was a dentist with a small and dwindling practise affected by my limited technique and lack of enthusiasm, but the Baron wasn’t to know that.

“Where do you live” I asked him and he referred to a little visited and somewhat dilapidated grave yard south of the river. ” No castle then, no priceless works of art and butler’s whose lack of tan is obvious to the most casual visitor.” I continued, He glowered briefly, and I realised that mocking vampires was not the  way to proceed. Caution of manner, I soon learnt,  was essential if working with them was not to become a draining experience.

Being kindly by nature, I directed him to an old people’s home, were thinner blood was almost a required characteristic among the inmates, but with the warning, “I happen to know Thursday night is curry night so your meal might be a little spicy and with that hint of fresh coriander admired by the cognoscenti. Does that trouble you?”  I asked . “Not at all” he said smiling now, and clearly in better spirits. He understood his dental problems were soon to be something in his past, “A little exotica in the flavour department is a welcome respite from the norm.”

I was glad to be of service, and vanished back into the lighted streets after giving him my business card. “Opening hours” I lied but with the intention to change them, ” Are between 11.30 pm and 4.30 am. He thanked me and we parted company. He turned out to be the first of many clients and also my introduction to currencies of obscure and antiquated origin. Apparently these vampire chappies don’t do modern. All music played was  of the classic variety.


About Peter Wells aka Countingducks

Trying to remember what my future is
This entry was posted in character, cooking, creative writing, dieting, employment, Fiction, humour, Life, skils, Uncategorized, writing and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

18 Responses to Dentist to the Vampire Profession

  1. catterel says:

    I am fascinated by the astounding wealth of characters locked up in your head! Can’t wait to read THE BOOK!


  2. Ina says:

    Vampires should floss more. 🙂 This is a great read!


  3. Jane says:

    Where do you get this from??? What a place your mind must be…and it is delightful when you share.
    PS…almost done and will have my review to you soon. Enjoying it immensely. M and B have just hooked up…can’t wait to see how it all turns out.


  4. Hanging out with vampire fans is beginning to affect your sleep! One more week to launch!


  5. I love a good vamp tale 🙂


  6. A super read, mostly because you have really managed to capture the feel of a Victorian Gothic tale, but also because of the slightly tongue in cheek humour that comes through. A most enjoyable little tale!


  7. Al says:

    Now that’s what I call a blog with some teeth to it.


  8. CKoepp says:

    Love it! I think some of our coworkers are starting to rub off on your choice of topics. 😉


  9. backonmyown says:

    Your title yanked me right in. This is classic Ducks fare. Thanks for the giggles.


  10. Just wonderful! How n earth do you arrive at these fabulous ideas?!😄


  11. russtowne says:

    It must be a challenge to drill with tongue firmly in cheek. I love this post.

    I’m compiling some anthologies. Fiction, non-fiction, and possibly humor. If you have any interest in considering possible inclusion in same, please email me at



  12. jmmcdowell says:

    The range and depth of your characters and stories is really impressive! I have the feeling there is always an interesting discussion taking place in your head. 🙂


  13. You have some amazing lines in here–“small and dwindling practise affected by my limited technique and lack of enthusiasm”. I love that.


  14. I love vampires.
    Especially when they look like Brad Pitt or Johnny Depp.
    ….but the fangs must be cleaned.

    xxxx LOVe your mind, Ducky.


  15. gotham girl says:

    You are one character Ducky!!! Love!


  16. In “Vampire Syndrome”, I did actually address the dentistry issue concerning retractable canine teeth, but not as whimsically as Peter’s skills afford 😈


  17. nelle says:

    Very creative, with lots of subtle lines. Good stuff!


  18. I’m hooked, and I don’t even “do” vampires.


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