Preparing For A Dinner Party: A Guide for the Unsophisticated.


On Saturday we are having two couples to dinner. More interestingly, from my point of view, and for reasons I might make clearer later in the post, one couple is staying the night, thus opening the portal through to Breakfast Heaven. Firstly, the small matter of the  dinner menu. After a debate lasting several seconds we have landed on Beef bourguignon on the grounds that most normal people are not quite sure what it tastes like.

This opens the door to a series of ambiguous sound effects, which might or might not be complimentary: I shall give you an insight into what I mean by taking you through my first couple of mouthfuls. Load fork, wink gamefully at the other assembled sophisticates and insert into mouth . “Mmmmm. Grunt. MMMMMM. Oh yes, Yes.” Another wink. Quick slurp  of the old Châteauneuf-du-Pape then reload fork. “Mmmmmm. Oh yes. grunt.Mmmmmmmmmm ” and then more nodding. Takes another slurp, think about it and then drain glass, “Not bad, not bad at all”, duck look from the ‘Behaviour in Front of Guests Department’ and refill glass to just below spilling level: and then ease wine spilling threat with  emergency slurp. “Yes, that’s good. GOOOD” and nod cheerfully at your fellow diners.

Someone is talking about the threat to the environment posed by increased flying. Nod at them and then wink and say, ” I’m with you son” before realising you are addressing a lady to whom you are not related. Take fresh slurp to cover any embarrassment and see to your hosting responsibilities by opening second bottle.  The evening proceeds with an increasingly pleasing lack of focus before you attempt the summit of flavour challenge posed by the apple meringue pie, but now with  taste buds dulled to safe levels of incomprehension by the good old Pape stuff, “Another bottle anyone, oh just me then” and we sail to pudding heaven in a cloud of mixed metaphors before attempting to entertain the guests with a rendition of our favourite football chants.

Finally the evening slides to a halt, and you later find you have snored your way through the last third of it. Still, not to worry, two guests are staying, as I said, so there is a decent chance to restore your social standing and a firm call for sausages and bacon while you discuss the latest news from your copy of ‘The Jogging Times’. ” My obsession with personal fitness is never ending but pursued. largely, on a theoretical level only. Still, in the interests of world health, I decline the third sausage: I always lead by example.

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About Peter Wells aka Countingducks

Trying to remember what my future is
This entry was posted in community, cooking, creative writing, dieting, Fiction, humour, recreation, Relationships, writing and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

32 Responses to Preparing For A Dinner Party: A Guide for the Unsophisticated.

  1. What would I do without my morning laugh! Thank you.

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  2. desertrose7 says:

    I am very hungry is all I’ll say.

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  3. Jade Reyner says:

    Ha ha. This gave me a good laugh. I can just picture the scene. Thank you! 🙂

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  4. Great descriptions. I love Beef bourguignon, but I’ve never tried making it!

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  5. Your last liners are always fantastic.

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  6. gotham girl says:

    It was if I was sitting at that table with you and your guests! Love!

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  7. Haha! Love this. I’ll have to remember this the next time I throw a dinner party.

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  8. Al says:

    They’ll be a fly on the wall this Saturday evening. Wink if you recognize me.

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  9. A witty observation! Ah, the things we do!

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  10. Interesting twist. Most things observe others at such occasions. And, yes, I always enjoy my morning perk.

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  11. Bruce Goodman says:

    “We sail to pudding heaven in a cloud of mixed metaphors” – what I wouldn’t give to have written that!

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  12. Abby says:

    I expect a full recap upon their departure.

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  13. Wonderfully written! I’d love to come to one of your dinner parties!

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  14. ” I’m with you son” before realising you are addressing a lady to whom you are not related****

    HAaaaaa. You just tickled my funny bone! Xxxx

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  15. babs50nfab says:

    This was laugh out loud funny. I do admire a good Châteauneuf-du-Pape, and would love it with you!
    b

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  16. Jodee says:

    What a nice post. It made me smile. Thanks.

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  17. Jane Thorne says:

    Very entertaining….we have a dinner party (friends coming round for yummy food and a laugh)…dinner party sounds way too grand. I will be thinking of you and possibly taking a leaf from your book, given that I am the cook, it will be interesting. 🙂

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  18. lexborgia says:

    Seemed to be going quite well until the football chants made an entrance.

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  19. Declined the third sausage – OMG!

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  20. Caroline says:

    My father referred to everyone as “old boy” in later life regardless of gender – excellent approach xx

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  21. I know this was supposed to be humorous, but I found myself taking notes. I’ve never done well with dinner parties.

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  22. Hahaha, brilliant – you are a true entertainer, Peter!

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  23. Why do you always make me smile when I’m having the worst day? 🙂 I definitely needed that. And this line “Still, in the interests of world health, I decline the third sausage: I always lead by example.” Priceless

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  24. Laughing out loud Peter!! You just know how to say it! 😄

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  25. buhite says:

    So vivid. Felt like being there and enjoying every drop. Really funny and bright as ever.

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  26. Gently witty- and I love the consumption sound effects- I’ve been to many a “formal” political fundraising dinner where it sounds like you could score it, adding a rhythm to underscore.

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  27. nelle says:

    Fun read… you had me at ‘ambiguous sound effects’. Oh, the possibilities. 🙂

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  28. Loved it all, especially the part about the football chants! many of us have either witnessed a host or fellow guest distinguishing themselves in this way or have done so ourselves at some point. 🙂

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  29. lynseywhite says:

    Top notch, Peter! Still chortling.

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  30. donnaeve says:

    Ha! You’re funny! I loved this “Another bottle anyone, oh just me then” but then again, I loved this too – “Takes another slurp, think about it and then drain glass, “Not bad, not bad at all”, duck look from the ‘Behaviour in Front of Guests Department’ and refill glass to just below spilling level: and then ease wine spilling threat with emergency slurp.”

    🙂

    Like

  31. Mélanie says:

    LL=large like for your post… 🙂 speaking of “Beef=bœuf bourguignon”, bon appétit! 🙂
    http://myvirtualplayground.wordpress.com/2014/01/19/44-classic-french-meals-you-need-to-try-before-you-die/

    Like

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