The Meteorological Guide to Forecasting Emotional Weather


Geoffrey Isotope, who worked in the ‘Jam’  section of the Ministry of Transport and Chaos, used his training to forecast the effect of the weather on traffic patterns and movement: all very good and worthy I think you’ll agree. Over the preceding fifty  years his department had come out with a series of firm, irrefutable and final ‘Laws of Weather and its Relation to Traffic Flow’, which laws it contradicted, amended and altered regularly, as is the custom within the walls of local and central government offices all over the world.

At home he was a private, prim and well turned out man who had only recently ceased to wear a tie in bed in case an unforeseen need for decorum found him underdressed in the early hours of the morning. Now suffering from what his niece and a number of doctors called ‘Statistical Exhaustion’ he was determined to bring predictability into all areas of his life, and that of his family at 49 Wallup Road in Sidcup.

After a period of thorough research, he at last felt confident enough to issue the first of his emotional weather forecasts on Boxing day of this year which read as follows.

“Following a period of non-specific euphoria related to the season and various customs, a period of mild depression will overcome the household following the sudden death of Aunt Gertrude. The depression is expected to reach a magnitude of 4.2, milder than expected and mitigated by her lack of popularity and insignificance as a source of inherited wealth. The depression will ease with the approaching new year, leading to a period of extended elation. A deep area of low pressure bought on by the return to work and bouts of over spending will then last throughout the month of January.”

Naturally he  had worked on this throughout the evening and left his neatly typed forecast outside the doors of his two children and on the bedside table of his wife. His two children, George and Gemma, would read the prediction early in the morning and thus, would be in Geoffrey’s opinion, better able to face the vagaries of the day. His wife, Gabby, had been wooed on the basis of her first name because, in the Isotope family, names of both sex’s always began with the letter ‘G’, and finding decent women with a knowledge of catering and reasonable ironing skills was hard enough, without adding the letter requirement to the hunt. Never the less, Geoffrey had managed the quest with success and in his terms, was “enjoying an extended period of emotional high pressure with occasional storms and unrest originating in the undisciplined circles of his in-laws.”

It should be noted, for the curious, that his first and greatest love; gifted in both the catering and ironing departments, and blessed with a more than standard level of beauty, had declined to change her name from Victoria to some first name beginning with the letter ‘G’ despite the wide variety of choice available.  Her stubbornness had been noted and, with some reluctance, the courtship drawn to a close

Their cat, “Gandale”, not to be excluded, also received her copy of the forecast and it was hoped the periods of reading lessons given to it by its patient mentor, Gemma, would allow it to access the necessary levels of literacy.

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About Peter Wells aka Countingducks

Trying to remember what my future is
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20 Responses to The Meteorological Guide to Forecasting Emotional Weather

  1. I really enjoyed reading this piece and I think it is superbly executed. There is, I feel, a lot of commentary on the Human condition here – searching for reason and connection in everything – yet it is written with brilliant humour. Love it!

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  2. catterel says:

    Wonderful start to the week! Thanks 🙂

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  3. lexborgia says:

    I suspect he meant to name the cat ‘Gandalf’.

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  4. Caroline says:

    As always you made me giggle Thank you
    xxx

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  5. Love it if someone left that outside MY door! Would even be prepared to change my name to something beginning with G, although NOT Gertruda.

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  6. I do so love pedantic people and their ways. Makes for a humorous read always 🙂

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  7. Oh Peter! You are a star! Im so pleased to have discovered your blog last year because you brighten any dull moments and make those already bright, even brighter!! This piece is terrific 😄

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  8. babs50nfab says:

    Made me laugh out loud!
    b

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  9. Al says:

    I would love to meet this Isotope fellow. I would ask him to prepare a forecast for those around me as pertains to my upcoming mood, should my favorite team not make it to the Super Bowl.

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  10. elainecanham says:

    I did actually work with a man once who would only go out with women whose names began with the letter J. He married a Jean and a Joan (one after the other, not both at the same time). I think he then moved on to a June, but being an incredible snob couldn’t resist a member of the German aristocracy whose name, I think, was Anna. He disappeared shortly after that, and no one has seen him since. People are odd, aren’t they?

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  11. Jane says:

    This was great. Reminded me of my family, There are four Josephs, two Jodys, Jean, Jamie, Jorge, Judith, Jay, and yes, I am Jane! HA!

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  12. Love all of the “G’s!!!’
    Love your writing, dear Peter. Xxx KISS from MN. It’s 15 below zero today. Brrrr.

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  13. Very clever. With the resurgence in school of ‘domain-specific language’, this would be a hoot to share in my classes. It reminds me of my geek friends who complain that their ‘RAM is full and they can’t learn anything new for the day’.

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  14. Ina says:

    Enjoying your great sense of humour, as always 🙂 x

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  15. good one Peter, Happy New year! Have a wonderful year ahead!

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  16. nelle says:

    Emotional forecasts, love it. Beware the tempest.

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  17. Brilliant idea, Peter. Now let’s see a weather forecast based on human emotions…You’re the man to do it. 🙂

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