The Flippant Guide to Profundity


Normally resident at 37  Bloxham Road; flat 6 for the lovers of detail, Wayne ‘Sagey’ Trollope, no relative of the author, but sharing a similar fondness for his own muse, could be found once more, at his consulting ‘ rooms’ somewhere near the public bar in the “Baffled Ferret” recognised locally for its hosting of real ales.

One of his cohorts,  a current  ‘four pinter’ , which is that moment when alcohol can free your sense of humour and give it voice, just before five pints makes that humour indecipherable, and six pints a mere mumble followed by wild laughter and a trip to the toilets, said to the attentive throng, “My watch is stopped, but at least that means its split second accurate at least twice a day”. This observation was considered acute enough to merit a nod of his head and a decent gulp from his glass, necessitating a wave at the bar, and fearless progress towards the ungoverned terrain of the six pinters: there are no maps for seven pinters.

” Time” said Sagey, a current 4.75 pinter,  “Is something we should chase constantly”. “Hows that” said one of his chums whose admiration for the Sage was stunted by a lack of respect. The Sage reflected on his statement, which he felt had a pleasing aura of profundity about it. Sadly  the meaning of his own sentence had not yet been revealed to him, so he replied, somewhat cannily you might think,  “If you don’t understand Docker”   (4.1 ), his mate and inquisitor, “I can’t explain it too you: some things are a bit too deep for normal folk”

By chance ‘Noddy’ ( 4.1 ) arrived with a fresh round of drinks, and a pile of pork scratching’s, whose taste and texture were sufficiently diverting to arrest serious debate for the moment. His mouth nearly empty, the Sage had another go at establishing himself as a font of bon mode, or whatever that phrase is. “Chance” he said , Is a thing you may stumble on”. “You mean you might stumble on Chance by Chance Sagey, said Noddy, his hands now free, and eager to join in the conversation. “”Is “stumbling the same as tripping” asked some pedant, ( 3.85 and a cautious drinker ),  drawing baffled glances from  those around him. “Profundity and accuracy”, thought the Sage, “do not necessarily belong in the same sentence”, and with that thought, he came up with the title of a book which was to make him celebrated in at least 1.6 continents, “The Flippant Guide to Profundity” which offered wisdom in the time taken to complete a boring train journey or, more precisely, 1.3  visits to the mother in law.

It was an unusual item in which the reviews had as much currency as the book. In themselves, they were so confusing, that people bought the book to see what all the fuss was about, in such numbers, that ‘Sagey’ was free to reflect on his brilliance in some isolation on a sun kissed beach, but cheered by the supply of Pina Coladas. Reviews such as “He gets to the point in a split infinitive” or, “He plums a depth of misunderstanding far beyond his own comprehension”, and even ” These pithy statements reveal an imagination untroubled by common sense”

A less appreciated article entitled, “Rubbish at only £1.98″,  which appeared in the Dorking Park Clarion ( readership 56o ), failed to cause the stir its jaundiced author dreamed would propel him to Newspaper Stardom, and he was left to mull on the injustices which left him in cramped attic lodgings while the object of his scorn soaked up the benefits of unmerited success. As Sagey might say, ” Life is a fruit of many colours”

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About Peter Wells aka Countingducks

Trying to remember what my future is
This entry was posted in character, community, creative writing, Environment, faith, Fiction, humour, Life, life2, Relationships, skils, Talent, writing and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

20 Responses to The Flippant Guide to Profundity

  1. Jen says:

    i love the way you describe so eloquently the road to drunk. 🙂

    Like

  2. Dito what Jen says above! Plus I love the name of the pub; that’s just wonderful!

    I read a lot of Alexander McCall Smith; your writing style and special sense of humour is very similar. 😊

    Like

  3. My internet went down for a while; it sems I now need to be moderated all over again! 😄

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  4. Al says:

    Thanks for the morning laugh….I can easily face the rest of the day now. “the meaning of his own sentence had not yet been revealed to him”……classic ducks!

    All the talk about pints makes me want to meet you over a schooner of ale even more.

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  5. An excellent, pithy and satirical look at life through the bottom of a glass. Makes you wonder how many ‘deep’ conversations have drowned in that ‘one last pint’!

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  6. The Baffled Ferret – priceless. I now wonder what my own pint equivalent is in G&Ts or wine. Hmm.

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  7. Speechless – absolutely speechless. Visions of authorship from the back of the pub???

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  8. vsperry says:

    I’m thinking I will need to read this several times. I feel like I missed a huge amount just reading it once…it is packed with so many wonderful words and phrases. “Sadly the meaning of his own sentence had not yet been revealed to him…” caught my attention immediately. I’m also fond of “These pithy statements reveal an imagination untroubled by common sense”.
    Delightful.

    Like

  9. babs50nfab says:

    Amusing perspective, Peter. And, some of the longest sentences I’ve ever read. 😉
    b

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  10. CKoepp says:

    I see now. It’s all clear. The most profound statements are found in the bottom of the 4th pint.

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  11. downturnabyss says:

    The Flippant Guide To Profundity – I’d buy it…

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  12. lexborgia says:

    What I like most about your stories, is the way they begin. Must return to this one after a 2.35. Mathematically mischievous.

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  13. nelle says:

    An 0 point 0 reader here… there is a very fine line between the increments of inebriation. Thank you for the exploration of them!

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  14. Ina says:

    Profound ! To be in the Baffled Ferret and a part of all this! 🙂

    Like

  15. Dear Peter,

    Hello, my name is Melanie, a fan of yours from Master’s Slave and Life With Catnip. Catnip was nominated for an award and in return I nominated you for the Versatile Blogger award. If you accept, I extend the courtesy to follow and add the award to your list. This is a readers award from your peers. I have loved what I read and others will too. One of my favorites. Especially look forward to meeting you at one of your book signings someday.

    http://embracingsubmission.wordpress.com nominated me: http://LifewithCatnip.wordpress.com for the Versatile Blogger award and I am nominating you. I would be honored if you would accept.

    Here are the rules, http://versatilebloggeraward.wordpress.com/vba-rules .

    Thank you and Happy Holidays!

    Love, Catnip
    Life with Catnip
    http://wp.me/p3Jt9K-6O

    Like

  16. gotham girl says:

    YOU are just too much! Another great one!

    Like

  17. Writerlious says:

    Loved the title on this one. Too funny. 🙂

    Like

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