I am a naturally exuberant character. I treat the world as my village, and will talk to almost anybody, apart from those like mass murderers whose company is reputed to be bad for your health, but even I have soul searing moments. Perhaps you know it, when you are standing in front of the bathroom mirror, looking at your reflection and watching the tears flow silently down your cheeks. You clutch your toothbrush ever tighter as you fight to control your sobs. At last you feel a hand on your arm and you hear your wife say, “What is the matter dearest?”.
You turn to face her, and look into her eyes, her soul , her spirit seeking some relief from the awful truth which cannot, must not be spoken but which is forcing itself into daylight. You search the depths of her understanding until at last, exhausted and fragile, you hear the words, almost disembodied, spill from your mouth. “I cannot make puff-pastry” “Sorry” says your wife. temporarily thrown off-balance. “I cannot make puff-pastry. I will never sit before the oven and see my creation rise above the baking tray in glorious mountains of taste heaven.”
Something like a shadow passes the over her face, and without speech you can read her thoughts. “There are over three billion men on this planet, but somehow I had to marry you”.
Fair enough, each corner of our lives may not be covered in glory but we all have our moments. Later, walking along a beach bathed in sunlight and I wish I might be one of those men for whom the whole place stood still. Even the beach ball freezes in mid-flight and across the golden expanse of this holiday paradise you might hear the thoughts of women folk murmuring, “He’s hot, ripped, shaped” or whatever their expression might be. Sadly with my body cased in nothing but my knee-length Harris tweed bathing trunks and a small sombrero, the only description I can hear of my physique is “He’s melted” which might indicate my stomach flows down in gentle undulations towards, and finally over my belt. But, do we mind that. No. because I know that my wrist is still in spectacular condition. If sitting near some attractive girl, I might make sure my arm is slightly extended and wiggle my hand around a bit. Show them I’ve still got the magic and the power to attract. Am I faithful: of course I am, but with me it’s still a matter of choice and not desperation
This thought was with me as I walked over the sand to the café where the athletic among us were sizing up the menu to decide which cake went better with their latte. Being exuberant as I said, I will talk to anyone, so I smiled at the man sitting opposite me at the table, and he begins to speak. “I hate all people”, “Everyone?” I ask. ” Yes, White, Black, Green, Orange: everyone”. That seems to cover most people on the planet and one or two other solar systems so I look for spiritual sunlight elsewhere. “What about music then?” and I pause to take a bite of my delicious almond and apricot coated pastry”…… Ah yes, where was I. Yes “I hate music” he said.
Interesting point of view, clearly. I ask again, “So you hate every note?”. He pauses a bit and finally with a look of suffering which can only recall that embarrassing moment in front of the bathroom mirror he says, “I don’t mind middle C”. Ok, it’s not a world of riches but its a start. I tuck into the experience.
“So are we allowed to change the volume? You know, one note, but louder, then softer and then suddenly louder again to keep the listener guessing”. I give a brief vocal rendition to make the point clearer to him. That look I remembered from the morning bathroom conversation passes over his face and I know he’s thinking “There are over six billion people on the planet but I’m sitting here with this idiot, and where did he get that hat”. Desperate to claw myself back into his good books I ask him, “Getting any wrist action?”. For reasons known only to himself, he leaves without finishing his coffee.
Okay, I have a stich in my side from laughing. Thanks for the smiles!
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Nice to get you laughing. Sorry about the stitch though
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Hahahahaha. Blame it on the French.
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I’m always very careful how I talk about the French: they make excellent wine
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Brilliantly funny. Thank you.
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Nice to see you here. Always happy to amuse
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Poignant yet humourous. Simple yet profound. Very nice piece of writing.
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I’m glad you enjoyed it
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LOL 😀 because no words are adequate!
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I’m glad you liked it. You cannot say he does not cling to optimism
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Thanks for the smile.
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I’m glad you enjoyed it, and thank you for the comment
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LOL that’s funny 🙂
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🙂 I’m getting very fond of these little faces. Perhaps I need more friends
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🙂
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You got me laughing!!!
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Glad to amuse you. I suppose we must be thankful everyone didn’t start laughing as he walked down the beach. Even his fine wrists may not have saved his reputation
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Compared to you ducks, those Greek philosophers were frauds.
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I am trying to remember the name of that one who did quite well in junior school and had a lot of good ideas while sitting in the bath. Mind you, I’d probably drop my laptop in it
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This is positively mental. Three billion blogs on this planet and I had to read yours. Loved it!
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I can only apologise on behalf of myself, and all the characters I create
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What a hilarious start to my morning! Love it!!
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A smile goes a long way. Glad you enjoyed it
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To make the mundane of life’s bits deep and fascinating is a trait that has taken us from the fireside to the moon. You, my friend, are a lantern on the path.
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Thank you for a very nice comment as always
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Simply wonderful! What a brilliant image! You have excelled yourself with this one in my opinion 😊
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Your comments are always so supportive, and its very appreciated
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Oh I needed this so very much! Thank you!
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Glad it gave you a laugh
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The visual…harris tweed trunks! I spewed my coffee!
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They must have been very awkward to swim in, but there’s no accounting for taste
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Peter, have you brought all these wonderful characters together in your book? If so, i can’t wait to read it.xx
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My book, which is moving publication, around Christmas apparently, has one or two odd characters in it, I must admit
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The visualizations and characterizations you create, Peter, are so real and fascinating and, in this case – and many others in your writings – hilarious! Well done!
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Marvelous as always, sir! I always look forward to your posts.
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Very nice to see a comment from my favourite editor
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Oh my kats!
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Hope they are OK
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This is one of your best – I am laughing but the tears flow as well.
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Very glad you enjoyed it. Your comments are always a pleasure to read
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Oh my gosh, you have me rolling here. Funniest thing I’ve read in a blog in years. Ten stars.
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Nice to hear. Always happy to amuse one of my favourite Bloggers
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Your words always put a smile on my face. Your heart is so fully of mirth … you give mine joy. I would love a chance to chat over tea and cakes … or biscuts … whatever they are called. We would have a BLAST!
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You always put a smile on my face. Mind you, you would not have been impressed with my roast beef and Yorkshire pudding lunch. It was yummee though
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Hehe!! Well, as long as you were happy all is well.
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You cracked me right up. I needed this. Thanks for the belly laugh. 😀
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Glad to give you something back for all your great help
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I loved this! He probably should have stopped before the singing though, you know in hind sight.
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I agree, the singing may not have improved his profile. He meant well poor fellow
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***Something like a shadow passes the over her face, and without speech you can read her thoughts. “There are over three billion men on this planet, but somehow I had to marry you”.***
LOooooooooooooooooooVE! HAaaaWaaaaa
btw, I would select intelligence, aged, interesting, & unusual over 6 pack abs any day of the week, babe.
LOVE love Love & Appreciation from Minnesota! XXxx
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Perfect start to my Monday morning! 🙂
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I do love a man with a buff wrist… 😉 Peter, there is no one like you. You book, like you, is destined for greatness! 🙂
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Hilarious. But god you must be depressed! Not being able to make puff pastry…must be hard to call yourself a man!
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Great stuff — I never considered the possibility that my wrist might be the most attractive part of my body, but it damn well ought to be, considering the amount of time I’ve spent playing drums and piano with it. Then again, those activities have on occasion strained my wrist, and as a result, perhaps it has an overly coarse look. One thing is for sure — I’m going to wear more risque dress shirts with shorter cuffs.
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Enjoyed this post so much I came back to read it again today. You have such a way with words!
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Gold
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Very funny! Odd, but very funny. Wrist action had me. 🙂
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Its not autobiographical I hope you realise !
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I don’t know if I should believe you or not, lol! 😉
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I’m definitely going to stop waving my wrist around anyway
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lol! We’ve all got to wave something.
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I’ve been on a bit of a Dr. Who marathon the last week (my son’s home for a visit). I wonder if that first few paragraphs are how he feels occasionally, thinking of all the lives and worlds and experiences he’s been through
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LOL Hilarious. Calm, leading to the unknown with a hilarious, fine finish! 🙂 Culture. Sometimes it really is all it’s cracked up to be, lol.
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And life goes on. Toxic people are every where. At least you have thr choice of sitting somewhere else. But the wife you have to keep. Love this. xo~melanie
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Pingback: A Moment of Elegance | Ejohn's ACTs n CRAFT
nice work Peter…I like the sense of humor in it
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ROFL!!!! Thank you for the morning’s out-loud giggle fit! I was in such an abominable mood! Not that you could tell or anything. You’re so funny!
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