A Moment of Elegance


I am a naturally exuberant character. I treat the world as my village, and will talk to almost anybody, apart from those like mass murderers whose company is reputed to be bad for your health, but even I have soul searing moments. Perhaps you know it, when you are standing in front of the bathroom mirror, looking at your reflection and watching the tears flow silently down your cheeks. You clutch your toothbrush ever tighter as you fight to control your sobs.  At last you feel a hand on your arm and you hear your wife say, “What is the matter dearest?”.

You turn to face her, and look into her eyes, her soul , her spirit seeking some relief from the awful truth which cannot, must not be spoken but which is forcing itself into daylight. You search the depths of her understanding until at  last, exhausted and fragile, you hear the words, almost disembodied, spill from your mouth. “I cannot make puff-pastry” “Sorry” says your wife. temporarily thrown off-balance. “I cannot make puff-pastry. I will never sit before the oven and see my creation rise above the baking tray in glorious mountains of taste heaven.”

Something like a shadow passes the over her face, and without speech you can read her thoughts. “There are over three billion men on this planet, but somehow I had to marry you”.

Fair enough, each corner of our lives may not be covered in glory but we all have our moments. Later, walking along a beach bathed in sunlight and I wish I might be one of those men for whom the whole place stood still. Even the beach ball freezes in mid-flight and across the golden expanse of this holiday paradise you might hear the thoughts of women folk murmuring, “He’s hot, ripped, shaped” or whatever their expression might be. Sadly with my body cased  in nothing but my knee-length Harris tweed bathing trunks and a small sombrero, the only description I can hear of my physique is “He’s melted” which might indicate my stomach flows down in gentle undulations towards, and finally over my belt. But, do we mind that. No. because I know that my wrist is still in spectacular condition. If sitting near some attractive girl, I might make sure my arm is slightly extended and wiggle my hand around a bit. Show them I’ve still got the magic and the power to attract. Am I faithful: of course I am, but with me it’s still a matter of choice and not desperation

This thought was with me as I walked over the sand to the café where the athletic among us were sizing up the menu to decide which cake went better with their latte. Being exuberant as I said, I will talk to anyone, so I smiled at the man sitting opposite me at the table, and he begins to speak. “I hate all people”,  “Everyone?” I ask. ” Yes, White, Black, Green, Orange: everyone”. That seems to cover most people on the planet and one or two other solar systems so I look for spiritual sunlight elsewhere. “What about music then?” and I pause to take a bite of my delicious almond and apricot coated pastry”…… Ah yes, where was I. Yes “I hate music” he said.

Interesting point of view, clearly. I ask again, “So you hate every note?”. He pauses a bit and finally with a look of suffering which can only recall that embarrassing moment in front of the bathroom mirror he says, “I don’t mind middle C”. Ok,  it’s not a world of riches but its a start. I tuck into the experience.

“So are we allowed to change the volume? You know, one note, but louder, then softer and then suddenly louder again to keep the listener guessing”.  I give a brief vocal rendition to make the point clearer to him. That look I remembered from the morning bathroom conversation passes over his face and I know he’s thinking “There are over six billion people on the planet but I’m sitting here with this idiot, and where did he get that hat”. Desperate to claw myself back into his good books I ask him, “Getting any wrist action?”. For reasons known only to himself, he leaves without finishing his coffee.

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About Peter Wells aka Countingducks

Trying to remember what my future is
This entry was posted in character, community, creative writing, dieting, Fiction, humour, Life, Uncategorized, writing and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

67 Responses to A Moment of Elegance

  1. M E McMahon says:

    Okay, I have a stich in my side from laughing. Thanks for the smiles!

    Like

  2. lexborgia says:

    Hahahahaha. Blame it on the French.

    Like

  3. jacquelinehanginginthere says:

    Brilliantly funny. Thank you.

    Like

  4. Rachael Charmley says:

    Poignant yet humourous. Simple yet profound. Very nice piece of writing.

    Like

  5. catterel says:

    LOL 😀 because no words are adequate!

    Like

  6. Ranting Crow says:

    Thanks for the smile.

    Like

  7. Ina says:

    LOL that’s funny 🙂

    Like

  8. ferwam says:

    You got me laughing!!!

    Like

  9. Al says:

    Compared to you ducks, those Greek philosophers were frauds.

    Like

  10. Robert Mitchell says:

    This is positively mental. Three billion blogs on this planet and I had to read yours. Loved it!

    Like

  11. gotham girl says:

    What a hilarious start to my morning! Love it!!

    Like

  12. To make the mundane of life’s bits deep and fascinating is a trait that has taken us from the fireside to the moon. You, my friend, are a lantern on the path.

    Like

  13. Simply wonderful! What a brilliant image! You have excelled yourself with this one in my opinion 😊

    Like

  14. mysending says:

    Oh I needed this so very much! Thank you!

    Like

  15. babs50nfab says:

    The visual…harris tweed trunks! I spewed my coffee!

    Like

  16. catterel says:

    Peter, have you brought all these wonderful characters together in your book? If so, i can’t wait to read it.xx

    Like

  17. The visualizations and characterizations you create, Peter, are so real and fascinating and, in this case – and many others in your writings – hilarious! Well done!

    Like

  18. Marvelous as always, sir! I always look forward to your posts.

    Like

  19. This is one of your best – I am laughing but the tears flow as well.

    Like

  20. nelle says:

    Oh my gosh, you have me rolling here. Funniest thing I’ve read in a blog in years. Ten stars.

    Like

  21. Shonnie says:

    Your words always put a smile on my face. Your heart is so fully of mirth … you give mine joy. I would love a chance to chat over tea and cakes … or biscuts … whatever they are called. We would have a BLAST!

    Like

  22. timethief says:

    You cracked me right up. I needed this. Thanks for the belly laugh. 😀

    Like

  23. b00kreader says:

    I loved this! He probably should have stopped before the singing though, you know in hind sight.

    Like

  24. I agree, the singing may not have improved his profile. He meant well poor fellow

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  25. ***Something like a shadow passes the over her face, and without speech you can read her thoughts. “There are over three billion men on this planet, but somehow I had to marry you”.***

    LOooooooooooooooooooVE! HAaaaWaaaaa

    btw, I would select intelligence, aged, interesting, & unusual over 6 pack abs any day of the week, babe.

    LOVE love Love & Appreciation from Minnesota! XXxx

    Like

  26. Perfect start to my Monday morning! 🙂

    Like

  27. I do love a man with a buff wrist… 😉 Peter, there is no one like you. You book, like you, is destined for greatness! 🙂

    Like

  28. Hilarious. But god you must be depressed! Not being able to make puff pastry…must be hard to call yourself a man!

    Like

  29. Chris Edgar says:

    Great stuff — I never considered the possibility that my wrist might be the most attractive part of my body, but it damn well ought to be, considering the amount of time I’ve spent playing drums and piano with it. Then again, those activities have on occasion strained my wrist, and as a result, perhaps it has an overly coarse look. One thing is for sure — I’m going to wear more risque dress shirts with shorter cuffs.

    Like

  30. bloggirl52 says:

    Enjoyed this post so much I came back to read it again today. You have such a way with words!

    Like

  31. desertrose7 says:

    Very funny! Odd, but very funny. Wrist action had me. 🙂

    Like

  32. I’ve been on a bit of a Dr. Who marathon the last week (my son’s home for a visit). I wonder if that first few paragraphs are how he feels occasionally, thinking of all the lives and worlds and experiences he’s been through

    Like

  33. LOL Hilarious. Calm, leading to the unknown with a hilarious, fine finish! 🙂 Culture. Sometimes it really is all it’s cracked up to be, lol.

    Like

  34. And life goes on. Toxic people are every where. At least you have thr choice of sitting somewhere else. But the wife you have to keep. Love this. xo~melanie

    Like

  35. Pingback: A Moment of Elegance | Ejohn's ACTs n CRAFT

  36. Kavita Joshi says:

    nice work Peter…I like the sense of humor in it

    Like

  37. ampbreia says:

    ROFL!!!! Thank you for the morning’s out-loud giggle fit! I was in such an abominable mood! Not that you could tell or anything. You’re so funny!

    Like

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