A Flight Of Fancy Beyond The Normal


I was lying in bed as dawn broke, mourning the fact that the last sip of tea had been sipped, the cup was empty and the kettle was out of reach. I felt a wave of self-pity wash over me as my discomfort was increased. One of those delicate messages from the stomach department, bought to my attention from some new bod in Tastbuds, informed me that a small snack involving a couple of sausages with a polite egg or two, a hint of beans, one or two mushrooms with a small supply of toast might just avert a full-blown attack of Hunger Pangs: the worst affliction known to sedentary man.

Mind you I speak with a new and unsettling moral authority. I have just joined a Gym after a recent discussion with some passing mirror, and am already enjoying a pre- pressup burst of energy. Some attention has been given to my wardrobe. Pyjamas are not acceptable, apparently, even though a brief post exercise nap is recommended by the wisest council.

There has been another small problem. Apparently these days, when you join a gym in the UK, at least, they like to take your blood pressure to ensure you will not keel over once you discover that the last slice of carrot cake was bought shortly before you got to the canteen, Leisure Lounge or Slackers Corner: I’m not sure of the description in your area. I was told to go to my doctors and get him to check my pressure again  and sign a form saying that the medics would bear all the expenses if I keeled over within sipping distance of a cappuccino while on gym premises.

The doctor took my blood pressure and it was very normal, 120/70 for the pedants among you. “Why doctor”  I asked “Would my BP have been so high in the gym and yet normal here”. The doctor leaned back in his chair as one already weighed down by the burdens of wisdom. “Carrot cake hysteria, as we call it in the medical profession, is responsible for many ailments. To be without it, is to flirt with madness”. With the smooth, and possibly supple movements of one used to waving the latest in toothbrushes around his head, he reached into a desk draw and removed a small plastic container. “I always keep an emergency supply with me at all times” he said.

Sure enough I could already smell that delicious creamy aroma seeping from the edge of the box. We looked at each other as people united by common values: comrades in search of relaxation. Without blinking he leaned forward and asked the reception to bring through two cups of tea. “Actions speak louder than words” , he said “Large slice or small”. My answer would not surprise you.

Advertisements

About Peter Wells aka Countingducks

Trying to remember what my future is
This entry was posted in character, creative writing, dieting, Fiction, humour, Life, Uncategorized, writing and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

47 Responses to A Flight Of Fancy Beyond The Normal

  1. I have a friend who lives on carrot cake. Mind you ‘lives’ is about all she does on it. A strong gust of wind would blow her away.

    Like

  2. I gained a pound just reading the last part. Well written and so true – for some of us.

    Like

  3. Amen. “A polite egg or two” – perfect breakfast turn of phrase 🙂

    Like

  4. Well youve done it again! I need no more entertainment on this rather dull Saturday morning, which now feels considerably brighter! Except youve reminded me I need a blood pressure check! 🙂

    Like

  5. catterel says:

    Where’s your doctor? can I join his panel?

    Like

  6. Roohani Naik says:

    You are resisting food and going to gym. It reminds me I have to join one . But I like carrot cakes too. 😀

    Like

  7. Smooth write. A*

    Stuff the gym bunnies tho’, eh…all that Bannatyne chrome is the enemy surely..?

    Like

  8. Ahh, my dear Ducks; shedding a bit of light on the mundane of life and showing us that nothing really is. Mundane, that is.

    Like

  9. rckjones says:

    Confession: sometimes when I read your creative writing, I find myself just studying your beautiful sentence construction in amazement and admiration. I thought the last sentence of your first paragraph was particularly lovely and well-balanced. I’d love to hear about your creative process sometime; wish I could write in such a skilled way! Bravo on a fantastic piece of short fiction, I thoroughly enjoyed it!

    Like

    • You comment is very welcome. I have no explanation for my style of writing. Its just the way words appear to me. What I do really appreciate is your lovely compliment. What could be a nicer read than that

      Like

  10. gotham girl says:

    I’ve missed your incredible posts…so nice to see you this morning…just so you know, this went straight to my thighs. I love carrot cake.

    Like

  11. barbara says:

    Made me laugh! I’ve missed you, of late.
    b

    Like

    • You can always write to my email. I always think of you with great affection as you know, but the book writing is very time consuming. Now up to 37,000 words. Who can say, in the future I may come to America with my fine lady, and we can all share a portion of carrot cake together

      Like

  12. kristikdavidson says:

    Brilliant! You always know how to put a smile on my face. 🙂 Speaking of Carrot Cake, are you still in the market for an out of this world, orgasmic recipe?

    Like

    • I have to admit that a good recipe for this divine creation would be very welcome

      Like

      • kristikdavidson says:

        Then please enjoy the last Carrot Cake recipe you will ever need, because it is the BEST!!!

        Cake
        1 cup vegetable oil
        2 cups carrots, shredded
        1 teaspoon salt
        2 cups sugar
        3 eggs
        2 cups flour
        2 teaspoons baking soda
        1/2 teaspoon nutmeg
        2 teaspoons cinnamon
        1 – 13 1/2 ounce canned crushed pineapple
        2 teaspoons vanilla
        1 cup walnuts chopped

        Icing
        6 ounces cream cheese softened
        4 tablespoons butter
        3 tablespoons vanilla
        dash of salt
        4 cups powdered sugar

        preheat oven 350 degrees
        grease 13×9 baking pan
        put first 4 cake items in large bowl and mix
        add eggs 1 at a time and beat
        mix dry ingredients and add together with pineapples (juice too)
        add vanilla and stir in walnuts last
        (batter will be very liquidy, do not worry this is normal)
        bake for 45 to 50 minutes

        prepare icing by creaming cream cheese and butter
        add vanilla and salt
        beat in powdered sugar until creamy and spreadable

        ice cake in pan after cake is cooled.

        Refrigerate leftovers. (hahahaha)

        Like

  13. Jane says:

    It was so good to spend my morning coffee with you. I absolutely love your writing. “Carrot Cake Hysteria”. Much be like a common woman’s monthly ailment know as M&M Madness. Creates five pounds for consuming a 1/4 pound. So unjust.

    Like

  14. Life is full of unnatural cruelties. That being rude should be a fat free experience but cake eating is marked by a thickening waistline is one of life’s great mysteries. Wouldn’t it be lovely if we could eat without guilt, but those who were uncivil were forced to rue their conduct one gained pound at a time.

    Like

  15. Ducks, your beautifully constructed sentences, vividly phenominal descriptions, and amazing storytelling always inspire. After reading this, my tastebuds want me to go out in search of cake, and and my body wants me to go out and take a walk. But I think I will listen to my heart, which, after reading this, makes me want to write. Thank you four the inspiration!

    Like

  16. Trit says:

    I have never particularly enjoyed carrot cake-and now I find that I cannot think of anything else: Ducks, what have you done?! I think that in the near future I will be giving it another try…

    Like

  17. Al says:

    I’ve always hated those passing mirrors. Why can’t they just stay in one place where I would know how to avoid them?

    Like

  18. desertrose7 says:

    Wonderfully written. I shall be checking, with scrutiny, that my eggs are of the polite type next time we meet.

    Like

  19. Noeleen says:

    I like this, the way you unravelled it 🙂

    A gym, eh? Good for you! I love how you said ‘after a discussion with a passing mirror’ – great story. And good luck!

    Like

  20. Kirri White says:

    It’s late night here and I’m feeling really hungry after reading this! Also smiling that perhaps we both share a fondness for carrot cake 🙂

    Like

  21. nelle says:

    Lifting a cup and wielding a fork constitutes exercise. You’re good.

    Like

  22. Ina says:

    Carrot cake sounds really disgusting to me lol. And I don’t understand fried food in the morning either, but I do like this posting 🙂 My blood pressure has been from too low to too high now and the more weight I lost, the higher it got, so I am not sure if the 2 are always related 🙂 Anyway, enjoy the food you like. Good luck with the book! x

    Like

  23. abbiefoxton says:

    Thanks kristikdavidson for that definitive recipe, the addition of crushed pineapple is inspired. Pass the defibrillator? Cannot resist that oh so sweetly sweet creamy creaminess…what a way to go! Drool.

    Like

  24. The push and the pull of our desires (to be healthy or to be quenched with goodies?). Too bad all that pushing and pulling didn’t burn a few 100 calories… 😉

    Like

  25. ***a small snack involving a couple of sausages with a polite egg or two, a hint of beans, one or two mushrooms***

    Peter, a polite egg or two! I ADORE!
    Only YOU can make food sound so utterly, well, devourable and polite!

    Xxxx LOVE from MN.

    –your blood pressure is perfect. mine is ALWAYS high.

    Like

  26. Purely.. Kay says:

    Let’s not go there with carrot cake. My mother once got so upset with my stepfather for eating all the carrot cake from her and she would not talk to him LOL. I loved reading this

    Like

  27. araneus1 says:

    Talk of Carrot Cake on a fast day is torture………. torture i say!
    Terry

    Like

  28. Caroline says:

    Apologies for the slow response – I’ve only just caught up with your latest posts. Thanks for making my Saturday morning!! xxxx

    Like

  29. kate4samh says:

    Delicious! xxxooo

    Like

  30. I’ll take a large too! What gave this post more realism for me is that I am reading it whilst drinking tea – though it’s a chocolate brownie I have on the side, and I am also thinking about the fact that I shall have to head to the gym later as I have taken up swimming, which has changed my life. Even though each time I go I always try and make an excuse not to, I am always so glad afterwards. Lovely way with words, as always!

    Like

  31. faultlessfinish says:

    I have suffered from Carrot Cake Hysteria all too often in my life…

    Like

  32. OH! Tea and carrot cake for breakfast for sure now. Wait. I don’t have any carrot cake. lol What is your doctor’s address? LOL Nice writing. My mirrors are all wrong right now, too. I don’t know what’s got into them. LOL

    Like

  33. Pingback: Anatomy of a Sentence: Countingducks | Rachael K. Jones

  34. ampbreia says:

    Succumb to the carrot side. You know you want to….

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s