It is a good idea to have a small CD or section on your I pod which contains a range of useful sound effects produced by the “gifted man about the house”. These might include the sounds of vacuuming, dish-washing and window cleaning. To be used with caution, but valuable in securing a few moments of peace in a world searching for domestic excellence
Any plastic flowers, bought at great expense, should always be washed and then sprayed with a convincing perfume before being handed over to your spouse or partner
Always remember that in cooking ratios are everything. In assembling a jam scone for your beloved, any incorrect ratio of jam to scone can obscure the flavour of the scone and may lead to spillage on the carpet
Never forget the lines, “I wasn’t there”. If Hitler had thought of using them after his hissy fit in the early 1940’s he might have survived long enough to become a golf professional
This should be conducted without undue and disturbing intimacy. First names are encouraged.
This must be investigated thoroughly before any rash experimentation. Our bodies are designed to wear out and unnecessary exertion can make this happen sooner than intended.
She’s always right. Facing facts, or rubbing your companions face in them often leads to your dismissal and replacement by an individual who is more versed in the laws of the universe.
I hope these few tips help enrich the life of any young man starting out on the road to domestic harmony. If they prove utterly useless, please remember that I didn’t write them and I refuse to accept any blame.