A Guide to Domestic Bliss for the New Husband or Partner


Household Chores

It is a good idea to have a small CD or section on your I pod which contains a range of useful sound effects produced by the “gifted man about the house”. These might include the sounds of vacuuming, dish-washing and window cleaning. To be used with caution, but valuable in securing a few moments of peace in a world searching for domestic excellence

Flowers

Any plastic flowers, bought at great expense, should always be washed and then sprayed with a convincing perfume before being handed over to your spouse or partner

Cooking

Always remember that in cooking ratios are everything. In assembling a jam scone for your beloved, any incorrect ratio of jam to scone can obscure the flavour of the scone and may lead to spillage on the carpet

Domestic Disasters

Never forget the lines, “I wasn’t there”. If Hitler had thought of using them after his hissy fit in the early 1940’s he might have survived long enough to become a golf professional

Sex

This should be conducted without undue and disturbing intimacy. First names are encouraged.

Exercise

This must be investigated thoroughly before any rash experimentation. Our bodies are designed to wear out and unnecessary exertion can make this happen sooner than intended.

Quarrels

She’s always right. Facing facts, or rubbing your companions face in them often leads to your dismissal and replacement by an individual who is more versed in the laws of the universe.

Conclusion

I hope these few tips help enrich the life of any young man starting out on the road to domestic harmony. If they prove utterly useless, please remember that I didn’t write them and I refuse to accept any blame.

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About Peter Wells aka Countingducks

Trying to remember what my future is
This entry was posted in creative writing, Fiction, humour, Life, Relationships, skils, Uncategorized, writing and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

34 Responses to A Guide to Domestic Bliss for the New Husband or Partner

  1. Ina says:

    šŸ™‚ lol This is very usefull info!

    Like

  2. Beth says:

    Oh goodness, Ducky… you’re hilarious! And considering I tell people their first mistake was running, hiking, or whatever horrendous form of activity they’ve taken on, I really like your take on exercise. šŸ˜‰ And, as you know, about as strenuous an activity I’ll attempt is, um, walking… so I’m pretty much on board with your theory.

    Thanks for making me laugh before I go attack my work day! Hugs to you!

    Like

  3. Nanny_cool says:

    Lol very good x

    Like

  4. If I may be so bold as to add one to your list. If she asks you, “Does this outfit make me look fat?”
    Honesty is not the best policy and a good answer would be, “Fat? I was just going to ask you if you’ve lost weight!”.

    Like

  5. Great!! And I love the section on exercise! My whole famiy are exercise freaks (epecially running, (and I mean real running!). i am going to copy , paste and email this to each one of them, respecting, of course, the second half of your final sentence!!! šŸ™‚

    Like

  6. Al says:

    Some people (like me) go through their entire lives without putting into practice the things they learn through experience. Not you, ducks. And to share this unimpeachable wisdom with we, the clueless, shows you are not only wise, but altruistic as well.

    The men of the world salute you!

    Like

    • I have found my skill with scone assembly has got me out of quite a few domestic difficulties. In real life I’m not sure how an i pod works, but I love to embrace at least the packaging of new technology

      Like

  7. renxkyoko says:

    “She’s always right”……. LOL ! Dad never wins…. unfortunately , Mom is always right.

    Like

  8. Scrappy has that “I wasn’t there” look mastered. He’s such a guy… šŸ˜‰

    Like

  9. “She’s always right” has been a very hard lesson for my husband but he has finally learned this is the most valuable lesson to a happy marriage šŸ˜‰

    Like

  10. plastic flowers??

    NOOOOoooooooooooooooo! RED FLAG. LOSER. No. NEVER. EVER.

    Get the point, Dear? xxxx

    Like

  11. nelle says:

    I’m left to wonder if you’ve just handed over your playbook. If so, I suggest a long stick with handkerchief tied to its end, waved liberally.

    Like

  12. babs50nfab says:

    NEVER plastic flowers! Real deal or hit the road!

    Like

  13. I’m getting the impression from some of the comments, that the long-lasting qualities of plastic flowers may not be receiving the appreciation I had anticipated. Perhaps we had better stick to the reckless expense of fresh flowers!

    Like

  14. Wonderful! And I too love the bit on exercise. Regarding plastic flowers – it made me think of those folks who ‘plant’ plastic flowers in their flower beds and window boxes, etc. for the summer. Or put them on graves. Long-lasting is all that can really be said about them … šŸ™‚

    Like

  15. angelmanna says:

    Roaring funny, thank you for the giggles! Recently in a new relationship – none since 2010 – I shall pass this list on to him. Wait. No I shall not. He’s smart alec enough already, lol.

    Like

  16. Catching up on old posts and this one is hilarious! Especially the plastic flowers. Yes, perfume indeed.

    Like

  17. LillianC says:

    Love it! Where was this when I got married? Thanks for visiting my blog!

    Like

  18. LMAO. Being a submissive, I find it even more hilarious. šŸ™‚ And thank you for stopping by my blog. Have a great weekend.

    Like

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