I have some difficulties. Lots of people do. One of mine is that the people who most arouse my interest and curiosity are normally the hardest to get to know on any level. They are often awkward defensive and wary. Within this self erected wall they are also full of insight , observation and curiosity: all qualities which resonate well with me. Some display outstanding aesthetic awareness. Looking in their eyes I sometimes get that “What are you doing here” response, as if they already know me even though I know we don’t know each other.
I met someone recently who has outstanding aesthetic abilities, is delightfully irreverent and questions much around herself. These are all great qualities in my book, and if we were both really drunk we might have a great conversation. However it is obvious to me that it would be easier to climb up a sheer ice cliff in slippers than to get her to open up . I met a man recently who is a powerful corporate machine with a glittering career to boot. You could feel the awareness in him and he searched my face intently, and almost rudely, for answers without actually speaking. When I said hello he mumbled a reply but didn’t offer any trace of connection. I have an air about me of someone who is easy with life and might have some ability, and he couldn’t work out why someone with my ability had such little material success. The reason, if your curious, is that I don’t care enough about it to make a concerted effort to reach that “Bentleys at Dawn” club open to the succesful among us.
I have come across Blogs where I say, wow, what an amazing person and try to leave a comment which indicates that they have connected with me on a genuine level. Etiquette being what it is you can’t say, leave me your email, Skype phone number or anything as that would be stepping over the boundaries of impersonal intimacy which governs much of internet conversation.
Many people are friendly and warm and if I meet them under certain conditions open up within the context of the place we are in. It might be some kind of dancing venue or a dinner party or whatever. Both of us are stumped as to how we might move this connection into a wider range of venues so it stays within those walls. Many people are friendly as a stock approach, but you feel their warmth is almost the product of fear and culture rather than personally directed. Often there is little in them that makes me want to know more about them. I’m not good at social clichés or stock responses.
As I have often said before, the most ordinary among us have extraordinary qualities within them. These often never reveal themselves unless that person is pitched into a particular situation which draw out these rare expressions or characteristics. Without that situation they can troll along on a path of bland normalcy unaware of the person they could also be.
Perhaps I am like that myself, or one of those awkward difficult people who you find it hard to connect with. I’m really not sure which one I am. Perhaps it’s a bit of both.