Martians bid for Harrods

I hesitate to say this because I can’t be certain about the facts but I suspect that what I do know is considerably less than what I do not know. Lets start with the basics:  two plus two equals four. How do I know that. Well I was taught it at school when I was young by my maths teacher. Ok, he said it but how do you know it. There is a pause for thought here while I scrabble around for some other authority which can corroborate this treasured fact. Sadly I can’t think of one so I fall back on the “well everyone knows that”, and they probably do unless they’ve spent their life locked in a tin pretending to be a sardine. Still you get the idea. It is a fact for most because it’s accepted as such rather than because I can supply the mathematical proof for it. Ok I’m boring you now and even I’m beginning to fall asleep so I’ll try to swerve nearer the point I’m trying  to make.

Most “facts” people state or assert are not so bizarre as to make you do more than shake you’re head, mutter “rubbish” under your breath or just pour a pot of treacle over their shirt but sometimes people really go over the top leaving you breathless.

I went round to see some family members yesterday. Grandmother was sitting there and she seems to be experiencing something of a rebirth as a result of the impending birth of her first great grandchild. Can you imagine it. I don’t have any grandchildren yet, so the idea of a great grandchild is almost beyond my imagination. Anyway it’s a cause for great excitement and even I am swept up in the anticipation and looking round for some small gift with which to mark the occasion. There is this chap there and he starts making the most astounding assertions. It’s one of those awkward situations where you don’t know someone well enough to go for the “rubbish” or treacle options so you cling to politeness with that glazed nodding concentration which always betrays desperation.

My partner, bless her, showed admirable levels of concentration while he explained the “factual” basis for his new and astonishing”fact”, It’s a bit hard to understand this as , where I to spout the same rubbish myself she would be the first person to tell me I’ve slipped my mooring, popped my rivets or some other analogy to show I’d finally lost the plot. Quizzed later she says, “Well, I know you but I was just being polite”. You can’t fault this, and I don’t but it just goes to show that the better a relationship the less manners there are in it and the more gut reaction you get once you stray away from what is acceptable or credible.

As always, I end up feeling I have much to learn from her. As for the man, there is much to like and admire in him but this habit for grabbing your attention with startling relevations of the quality of  “Martians are now the secret majority shareholders of Harrods” and the like is baffling to me. It’s a harmless enough eccentricity but for Mr Fact Checker it is hard to swallow.  I am aways puzzled by this approach to conversation and my inability to not go on about it. Ok, I’ll stop there. No I won’t. I’ve just found out that every prune you eat makes you look thirty seconds younger. How do I know. well just look in the mirror. I would explain this in more detail but I’ve got to rush off now and gobble my way back to youth. Yippee

About Peter Wells aka Countingducks

Trying to remember what my future is
This entry was posted in creative writing, Life, life2, Relationships and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

23 Responses to Martians bid for Harrods

  1. Caroline says:

    too late – I’ve cornered the market with a swift phone call to – err – Harrods maybe!


  2. Lenore Diane says:

    “.. the better a relationship the less manners there are in it ..”
    The above sentiment is so true, and I’m not sure that is a good thing. Yet, just as most do not question two plus two equaling four, most do not question the fact that we have less manners with the better relationships.
    Not fond of math, I do my best to challenge the two plus two theory… I think men just made it up.


  3. I so like the subtle and gentle way you turn around your readers’ assumptions about the people you meet. Someone is apparently insufferable – and then – suddenly, they are not after all; it is we who are shortsighted or missing something in thinking so. George Eliot was a master of this technique on a grand scale – you’ve got it down to a pretty fine art too.


  4. suzicate says:

    Better watch those prunes on the quest for youth…you might be in a room with a mirror but unable to get off the “throne” to peer into it!


  5. redheadmouth says:

    Have you ever taken a philosophy class? You would get it naturally. What do we call that a chair? Because we perceive it as a chair, but, how do you know you see it as chair?


  6. barbara says:

    You make me laugh. As for your prune theory… I agree with suzicate.


  7. After loving this article, you turn right around and say “Yippie” at the end lol. I had to smile at that


  8. Texasjune says:

    Ducky, even when your brain is on idle, you’re more interesting than a lot I know! In this case, ‘idle’ means solid, dependable, smooth and effortless – a comforting hum of being!


  9. backonmyown says:

    I learn something every time I read your blog. Case in point–I did not know the Egyptians had a trade agreement with Martians.


  10. –Excuse me, Ducky,
    Can’t write much today….out rushing to buy some prunes at the grocery store….!! Xx


  11. I have two fact checkers visiting me and always needing a reason for everything. My patience is teetering! I might try the Martian bit with them in the morning 😉


  12. nelle says:

    Before you tackle those prunes, do map out your proximity to the loo, eh? Personally, I think the Martians are into American politics. Listen to any of the Republican candidates, and you will instantly recognise this as truth. 🙂


  13. Ah, you gave me a delightful read and much-needed chuckle on a grey day – thank you!


  14. Turnabout is, indeed, fair play. You are a master craftsman when it comes to working words into ideas into images…


  15. Surrey gal says:

    So that means that I have to eat 10.483.200 prunes to look 10 years younger???? How much would that cost? Wouldn’t botox be cheaper? 🙂


  16. Shonnie says:

    Ducky my man — that is one funny little tale. Thanks for the big smile spreading across my face. English and Southern manners have a lot in common. I never tended get the reasons for such politeness when I was younger, and would blurt out, “you are talking rubbish statement” regardless, of closseness to the person. I have to say I LIKE/LOVE the relationships where they rip your hide off with truth.

    You got a keeper with your partner. =D


  17. ElizOF says:

    But maybe his Martians was a code word for X… fill in the group. I don’t know about you, but I would have said something… But obviously you are polite, Peter… I like Martians but not as shareholders on earth. Go figure. 😆


  18. ElizOF says:

    I wonder why my comment above is full of ‘buts’ Urg! 😦
    Finally catching up on comments… been hectic at home. Phew! 🙂


  19. scrambled7 says:

    You must be a philosopher. You really must.


  20. Lafemmeroar says:

    Delightful, funny and thoughtful post. You’re right about politeness and relationships. I’m always more myself with those I’m close to and hence my personality malfunctions are more prevalent. Oh well … they love me so they understand–I think–I hope.


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